YOU HAVE SAID, "SEEK MY FACE."

My heart says to you, "Your face, LORD, do I seek."

"God blesses those whose hearts are pure,

for they will see God."

Purify me, oh Lord. This is the cry of my heart. To see You in your fullness. To see You in all of Your glory. Arghhh. this is the cry of my heart.

sit on a throne in my heart.

place me like a seal over your heart,

like a seal on your arm.

for love is as strong as death,

its jealousy as enduring as the grave.

love flashes like fire,

the brightest kind of flame.

many waters cannot quench love,

nor can rivers drown it.

wednesday: i walked to edman chapel feeling tired and burdened. 7:45 p.m. i made my way up the stairs and went inside, i grasped unto the handle and opened the door. and as i made my way down the aisle. something tangible hit me, taking my breath away and catching me off guard. warmth and lightness pressing against me, making an impression on my being. god beckoning me, asking me to spend the evening with him. his love inoculating me, making me respond with quickened steps & greater urgency. i walked down the aisle, breathing in and out, caught up in something that i can't possibly explain. caught up in a presence that deserves all glory, all praise. freedom. i am free. oh, praise Him who paid my debt and raised this life up from the dead.

Do you know what is beautiful?

that instance when after having gone up to take the bread and wine in communion, you turn around and in that split second, you see the body of Christ praising God.

thank you.

god created us uniquely. the genes that course through your body can't be found in anyone else. he wants an intimate relationship with you - he is jealous for your heart, your devotion, your wholehearted attention. we all feel lonely at times, but there's something beautiful about feeling this way. only he can satisfy you, because only he knows you inside and out. this is the sweetest kind of love. we're meant to feel lonely so that we can turn to him. so that we can soak in a relationship that is exclusive and special.

you were made for

wholehearted

abandonment.

Your love is abounding.

despite my self-righteousness, despite my pride and ignorance, despite my tainted perspective, despite my emotions, despite my impure motivations, despite . . .

and wow. yes, i was made for wholehearted abandonment.

Today is November Ninth.

someone told me (this was, of course, over dinner at saga a few weeks ago) some words of wisdom regarding friendships that left me feeling relieved. the worry of friendships and potential friendships here at college is a thought that has nagged at the fringe of my conscience. how much of myself do i need to pour out in order to maintain this relationship? and what about my time and energy? questions that kinda give me a headache. get ready for insight, revelation, what have you: friendships that are meant to be are able to outlast both time and space. in the end, it doesn't matter how long it's been or when you've last talked to that other person - friendships are malleable. malleable? yes, malleable. change is a variable without consequences. yes, you've changed. your friend has changed. so what? when you're in each other's presence, that special dynamic is still there. and then there are the friends that god places in your life for a brief period of time. they flit into your life - like butterflies - and you can't help but come away blessed. for me, saying goodbye is easier because this encounter and fellowship was supposed to last for only this long. i guess the point i'm trying to get across in this paragraph of nostalgia and current situations is that i should just relax and have faith that my relationships are in His hands. even better, god is showing me deeper intimacy with him and i haven't felt the loneliness that i used to feel back at home. thank you god. thank you so so much.

p.s. i've decided that i'm going to spontaneously buy a mouth harp. an instrument that you may (or may not) know as a jew's harp, jaw harp, ozark harp, trump, or juice harp. hurrah!

synapses are whirring away here on the second floor of buswell library. the sunlight embraces me - it filters through the windowsill hydrangea plant unto my face. so comfortable. if i could summarize my time here at wheaton so far, it would be "it is well with my soul". anyways, a couple of things that have been on my mind lately: when i ask God for His Spirit, is it because i want to truly live out His will? Your will. my will is my unfaithfulness to those who count on me. my will is turning my face to other idols, other distractions that blind me to Your presence. Moses spoke face to face with You in intimate conversation. maaaaan. this is what God desires of us, to speak with Him face to face. i want to see Him face to face and embrace His will. god, that i would be a good steward of your grace in my life. it's not about me. it's not about me. even when i want to make it about me, it's not about me.

oh god, that my heart would respond more and more to your love.
i want to sit at your feet, i want to soak in your goodness, i want this relationship to be less about me and more about you.
lord, i'm so so sorry. how foolish of me - to hold loosely the one thing that makes me feel alive.
i want more of You.