flashback

joy is the simplest form of gratitude. -Karl Barth

a smattering of thoughts:

casual observation #1: last night i ended up going to the gospel choir cd release party at the billy graham museum. it was a spontaneous decision, and i had already eaten dinner (dinner was being served there to those who had bought a ticket). i often go to the chapel in the museum to pray and run across the guy working at the desk. he is friendly, and waves at me whenever i pass by. anyways, last night he was working at the desk and i asked him if i could get him some dinner. haha i didn't mean it to be awkward but i think he might have taken it the wrong way. maybe he thought i had ulterior motives? i wish i could serve others without coming across as creepy. but then it wasn't so awkward because i paused and then started talking to him in korean. first off, he's in the grad school. second off, he is korean. at least i made a new friend last night. i also realized that my korean has taken a turn for the worse. hm..

today, i am thankful for the sunlight outside. how it falls a certain way on the blooms and blossoms and illuminates the flowers and trees. i'm really thankful for banana honey peanut butter sandwiches (had one for brunch).

also- talked to eric last night & he told me what God was teaching him. The Lord is faithful to us and keeps us accountable to him. we're not left up to our own antics - he is always drawing us to him. yes, we have free will and ultimately are left with the decision to follow or not but when we do, God in turn always follows through and stirs in our heart a desire for more. The desire for Him is from Him. I love God because the love i have for him is completely beyond my understanding - it's deep calling out to deep. he called me to Him - grace, i want a personal relationship with you. i know you, i created you, i sent my son to die on the cross for you. Lord, you sent your son to die on the cross for me. You desired to take my sin and place it on your shoulders. i weep because your love is so vast and i'll never truly know all of it while i'm here.

Yes, i believe that your joy is in me.

must. be productive. today! ! !

on a side note, i think God is really taking ownership of my future. He's keeping me in the dark and I think he likes that i keep asking him questions about my major and next year's extracurriculars. through various people, God keeps telling me that i'm a blank slate, and that he wants to create something beautiful on this white canvas. a few months back, my mom went to a prayer mountain in california and when i got a chance to talk to her, she told me that God had shown her what i would be doing in the future. i believe her exact words were, "haesoo, you're not going to like what i have to say." really, God? something to do with the medical profession? but surely by your wisdom it's possible. i could go on and on about how physics was the death of me in high school and of how it's likely that chemistry will be the death of me in college. but if it's your will God, i will follow. because in the end, i have no claim over my future - do with it as you will. i surrender.

God gives us things we don't even ask for and it is the Father's great delight to give us the kingdom.

a prayer

THE LORD, THE LORD, A GOD GRACIOUS AND MERCIFUL, SLOW TO ANGER, AND ABOUNDING IN STEADFAST LOVE AND FAITHFULNESS. -Exodus 34:6

Soak in the loveliness of this verse. Drink it in, stamp it on your heart - it describes a facet of who God is.

God, your word is lovely. I would much rather run to your word than to anyone else. Take me deeper - I ask for more revelation. My soul longs to be where you are. Show me how to live in this broken world, among these broken people. Abba, show me how to live with myself. Let my life be a testimony to your graciousness, to your mercifulness, to your compassion, to your steadfast love, to your faithfulness. Give me more of your heart. Sit on a throne in my heart.

Someone wise once told me that the lives we live are a journey to discover more of God's love for ourselves and for others.

there are times when we want to run from the darkness. the darkness crouches at our door - it awaits, ready to consume. there were times when i embraced the darkness, when i withdrew into the space in my heart where the shadows curled around me. but i wasn't consumed. No, even during those times God was protecting me. i was securely nestled in his palm. and it's only in retrospect that i realize that i wasn't running from the darkness or even drowning in the darkness. i was facing the darkness, and running towards the dawn.

i repent, Lord. i repent because today, someone stopped to talk to me and the entire time i was thinking about the work i had to get done. Father, i couldn't even spare 10 minutes for this person. she was telling me about what she was going through and i just wanted to move on and extract myself from the conversation. i'm reminded today of my selfishness. really, how is it possible to meet the needs of others when i'm consumed with thoughts about myself? father, i repent. i repent for loving myself more than my neighbor. the fact is, my love for others should be increasing as my love for You deepens. Oh, Lord, that my selfishness would be far from me.

today, i pray that i would be heaven-minded. that i would have a heavenly perspective on earthly reality (taken from pastor mitch ;)).

ate lunch with coco yesterday and she mentioned that there is no such thing as being uncool. in the end, it's about meeting people's needs. for instance, during spring break i got to meet up with my cousin at a small cafe. i ended up having such a blessed time. later, when she was dropping me off at church, she looked at me and said that she had a small gift for me. she pulled out a gift-wrapped tube of lotion and said that she had noticed that i never put lotion on my hands. i was so taken aback, and so thankful that she had gone out of her way to do something as small as buying lotion for me. on top of that, she said that she had gotten a smaller tube so that i could carry it on the plane. it's a small illustration but it goes to show just how unobservant i am of people's needs. God!! continue to teach me and show me Your heart for others. saturate me with more of Your love, that it would overflow into other's life in whatever shape or form that may be.

lately, i've been reminiscing about what happened in LA. i wish that i had agape love towards the asian fellowship here on campus. i need to keep praying.. for some reason, God keeps drawing me back to this fellowship, even though i feel uncomfortable at times. honestly, my thoughts are scrambled and i'm not sure in what way God wants to grow me or what relationships He wants to cultivate in this particular group. i'm not going to worry too much about it - God knows what He's doing.

Oh God, I really like you. Your love is unfathomable.

I want more. everywhere i look, i see Your love pressing in.

Lord, You are good. You are so good. Who am i to come before You and sit before You? I am unworthy. But Lord, it's not anything I've done. It's Your character. It's Your desire to see me worshipping You. I come alive when I worship You, Lord. Oh, God. You are so beautiful. I forget so easily, but You never change. You remain the same. There's so much more. Lord, You are infinite. I rejoice because just when I think I understand You, You show me otherwise. No, Lord, I don't know You at all. But You desire to show me more of who You are. I am on a marvelous journey to know You and the love that You have for me and for others.

God, I saw and experienced a bit of Your heart tonight. The Spirit wept and with anguish and groaning I cried out. Thank You for using me to intercede for Your people here in Los Angeles. When I fell to the ground and called out Your name, I was once again reminded of what you created me to be - a worshipper.

Lord, how i delight and rejoice as member of the body of christ. The love that I have for my brothers and sisters is a love that overflows from within me. It's Your love. God. Oh, God. It's Your love. Agape love. The love that I have for Hea Bin jdsn, for instance. For Joseph, for Jieun & Clare, for Sungho & Anthony, among many others.

Holy, holy, holy, is the Lord God Almighty, who was, and is, and is to come.

God. i thought that loving my dad would come naturally as our relationship got better. The thing is, I can't even love him without your love. it seems like all i know how to do is love myself. break me, Lord. humble me - i need You more than i know. it seems like i've been trying to sustain myself during my time here. foolish.

I thank you for who You are. God, i don't even know who you are. who am i to say that i know you simply because i know how to pray and worship a certain way? show me how to revere you, how to fear you.

i am still before you.