i'm in this canoe in the middle of the lake and there is fog all around me. i'm taking strokes across the water, but i have no idea where i'm headed. it's not that i don't have dreams, but i desire with all my heart God's dreams for my life. i know myself best when I see things from his perspective. i'm reminded daily and am humbled by the fact that i can't do anything by my own strength. the weird thing is, even though i feel inadequate most of the time, especially when i think about PA stuff, God tells me that he is big and that he is able. right now, what i can do is love him and receive his love. small, quiet strokes.

Small blurbs

This month's quiet time is on hebrews, and i'm loving it. I think hebrews is one of my favorite books in the bible. anyways, here are some random thoughts over the course of the last couple weeks that i jotted down in the margins of my living life devotional book as well as some random excerpts:

Every temptation the Christian experiences, therefore, is not only an opportunity to sin but also an opportunity to worship//when failures & inadequacy & condemnation overwhelm me, I want to look to Jesus. I want to fix my eyes on Jesus - above worldly lures and distractions, above my own pride & selfishness. Yes - He has overcome & is my refuge and strength//I know & have experienced God's faithfulness & hand in my life. This past year, especially. As I look forward to this year, I don't want to harden my heart but instead be faithful to God with all the little things, trusting him more and more to lead me and guide me. He will be the one to open doors//God blesses those who trust in him. Lord, give me greater faith. Help me to love you in the act of trusting you//God calls me to trust in him - especially as I feel anxiety concerning the summer and senior year//Today, I will rest in the Lord's presence and seek him out//I lift up to you this day, this semester, summer plans, uni and her first semester at the U of U, family//Jesus as High Priest in heaven - he prays on my behalf//trusting that you are by my side//Father, deepen my faith and help me to grow. Let me not be satisfied with mediocrity and complacency; rather, awaken my heart and stir my soul to desire more of You. Each day, reveal to me more of who You are. Make me more like you//I want to become more mature in my faith. Going beyond what I already know - God is with me and will never leave me. This year will be one where I grow in my faith and step into what Christ has given me & the inheritance that is mine//To hunger after you//fruit meant to be used & ultimately glorifying God - more!!//Are there areas in which you are trusting in your own works to secure a place of favor with God? we need to repent not only for our wrong doings, but our "right-doings" as well//like Abraham, I want to wait patiently for God's promises to be fulfilled. He is working in me, in my dad, in my sister & he will not fail on his promises of restoration. He is that good//There was a time when I felt so hopeless but this is seriously from Satan. Hope is found in God and it became fully manifest when Christ came to earth//Taking claim of the promises that God has for my family and me. I take claim//Do you ever doubt God's love for you? Do you ever doubt your own salvation? Then look to the cross. The cross is his promise that he will never let go of you//Before God uses anyone in a mighty way, He brings them through the wilderness experience. Embrace solitude and let God mold you through the wilderness of life. Your journey of faith is a series of little steps grounded in profound reliance on God. It is a faith-walk, taken one step at a time, leaning on him as much as you need//obedience should stem from faith in christ, not as a necessary means of gaining assurance of pardon from sin//I wan transformation to occur internally, not externally by things I do or don't do - write the gospel on my heart//One thing i want while I fast is increased focus on the spiritual, reminding myself that there is more than just the here and now & the physicality of the here and now. Hungering for the presence of God and the kingdom of God//Christ's work was internal and I am free to worship God and not be condemned by my brokenness and sinfulness//In his death, Christ made me an inheritor of the new covenant. I am a child of God and can now step into the inheritance enabled by Jesus's work on the cross//

didn't realize this was going to be somewhat like my own version of james joyce's ulysses. haha.
i guess some themes that God is impressing upon my heart this new year is leaning on God and looking at him. I'm convicted in the fact that faith comes from knowing God more and more, not by my own effort. I guess a lot of things are uncertain right now - relationships, plans for spring break, this summer, this fall semester and I'm reminded daily that it will be God who opens doors. In the meantime, I want to enjoy his presence and allow him to surprise me. It feels good to take a step back and give him the reigns - he'll be the one to cultivate his dreams for my life.