you desire intimacy

from the moment i met Tony, i knew God had something special planned. shortly after he trained me, he left for vacation (i actually got the job because i was filling in for his spot at the Jade). I spent the summer praying for Tony, for my other coworkers, for Mary (the storeowner), and for the customers. actually, last week i was working alongside Mary friday evening and I turned to her and told her that God loved her. she laughed (it was a friendly laugh - not condescending) and looked at me and said, "oh, really? tell him thanks." as i pulled down cartons of beer from the top of the refrigerator i said, "aw, mary, i know it's weird of me to say." she turned and looked at me and said, "no, grace. it's not weird." we went about doing the evening tasks and i felt slightly awkward (as usual haha). as awkward as that moment was, i would rather be awkward than be bashful about God. i want her to know God, and I want her to experience his love.

anyways, i'm getting off track from the main reason why i'm writing this post. so tony was gone for a couple of weeks and started working again last week. a couple of weeks prior to his return, i wrote in our store notebook a little blurb about my faith. yesterday, i opened the notebook and saw that Tony had written a response - something along the lines of how he himself had found God and that the only thing God wants is our love and obedience. It was totally unexpected and I stood there for a couple of minutes, stunned and amazed. Today, as I was opening up the store, Mark, one of our customers and a fellow friend/Christian, walked in to grab some coffee. Now, Mark and Tony are friends and take smoke breaks together. I asked Mark if he had been talking to Tony about Christ, and Mark looked at me and said that he had indeed. The best part? Tony had accepted Christ as his savior and received salvation only a week and a half ago. I told Mark about the whole notebook thing and we both looked at each other in amazement. i am once again reminded that God works in intricate ways, and he uses the body of Christ to accomplish his will. tomorrow's my last day working, and I feel like God's will was accomplished during my time there. i pray that Tony would know the depth of God's love, and that it would shake everything he's ever known about love. I pray that God's love would heal him and turn him inside-out. 

I myself have been experiencing and learning some new things of late (all today actually). it's interesting, because at work today i was trying to post this little testimony on Facebook and on instagram, and I felt like the Holy Spirit was holding me back, telling me to not post. And because I'm proud, and selfish, and wanting the praise of man, I ignored the Spirit and posted anyways. It doesn't stop there. As i was driving home from work, I was distracted by my phone (looking at how many likes there were for my post on Facebook), and my car ran head-on into the car in front of me. It's interesting because out of this whole fiasco, the one thing that I feel like I need to take away from this is that God loves the intimacy he has with us - he loves the intimacy he has with me. When the Holy Spirit revealed this to me, I repented: God, I'm sorry that you're not enough. I'm sorry that I flaunt my personal experiences with you and desire the praise of man in addition to your love. I hoard the glory that belongs to you, masking it to all look innocuous and without ulterior motives. I confess that when I post about things that you've done, I look forward to receiving praise and attention from others.

I forget that God loves having an intimate relationship; sometimes, public disclosure is good and brings Glory to God, but other times, He just wants to have private experiences with you and me. I'm incredibly thankful because I feel like God is always teaching me something new. I'm thankful that I was able to go through that car accident and learn this lesson (although our car won't start up and had to be towed..) *sigh. 

Friends, all this to say.. I don't think I'll be writing in this blog as much. Alas, it's time to turn to pen and paper unless I feel like there's something in particular I want to share publicly. I don't know who all reads this blog; heck, for all i know, it might just be my mom. thank you for journeying along with me - peace and joy in your own pilgrimage. 

8/4 Thankful List

-Discovering new places to study - in particular, the cafe in the Museum of Fine Arts up at the University of Utah

-Coffee/iced tea with honey

-Picking up Andrew at the airport and being able to talk and pray with him

-Ritter Sport chocolate specially brought from Europe

-Morning rain 

-Picking ripe cherry tomatoes (when i have my own house, i'm going to have a little flower/vegetable garden. yeahhh!)

-Evening jazz music on NPR

-Busyness of a new season ending; looking forward in anticipation to the new season ahead 

-Weekly phone conversations with Becky that last around 2 hours; incredibly amazed and encouraged by her love of God and fire for him; also thankful to be able to pray with her (her prayers are beautiful, and one of the many things I love about her).

Caesarea Phillippi

The following thoughts are on Mark 8:27-38:

In verse 34, Jesus says "Whoever wants to be my disciple must deny themselves and take up their cross and follow me."

But even before Jesus mentions anything about discipleship, he first takes the disciples to Caesarea Phillippi and asks them this question: "Who do people say I am?"

And sure enough, the disciples threw out trite answers. Oh, you know, some say John; others say Elijah.

"But what about you?" he asked. "Who do you say I am?"

This question pierces my heart every time Jesus asks me personally. And it's funny, because I need Jesus to ask me this question again and again, almost as if I need to hear my own answer. He asks me when I feel depressed and alone; when I feel boxed in by my limited perspective.

Jesus, you are my hope. Jesus, you are my rescuer and healer.

I think there'll come moments in each Christian's life when Jesus himself will ask this question. He doesn't care for what others have to say - he wants your answer. And it's an answer that you can't pull out of your butt.

It's interesting that Jesus asks this question to his disciples before he even talks about discipleship; i'm reminded that discipleship begins with knowing Jesus and knowing him intimately.