Expect to fail and yes, failure can be anything from blatantly eating a piece of fried chicken at work - which by the way, I would not advise if you've been strictly juicing fruits and vegetables and have been drinking broth for the past week (why? why? I don't even like fried foods) - to inadvertently grasping unto other things beside God to satisfy yourself. Let me reiterate the last point: Yes, even within the space of a fast, I find myself inadvertently trying to grasp unto other things beside God to satisfy me. My roommate and I chuckled in an exasperated sort of way when we realized that we were getting a bit too caught up in what fruits and vegetables we were going to juice. It's true that I find myself dwelling on what will satisfy me, even if it is a juiced-up pear, apple, lemon, ginger, swiss chard, kale drink.
The moments of failure have been moments where I have felt guilt and shame. I found myself berating myself and I think my biggest fear has been wasting this sacred time and space of encountering God, of growing apathetic and disillusioned and jaded. But I am reminded that God is God, and that he works within a fast and outside of it. I realize that my cry and desire for God during this time will only become steadily amplified after this fast - how do I know this? Because God is the good father who knows His childrens' hearts. Under the layers of selfishness, sinfulness, brokenness, and pride I know that God sees the crevices of my heart that cry out for Him. Just as He sees me right now, He will continue to graciously meet me again and again and again.
That being said, I have come to embrace the slip-ups of this fast. It was out of my pride that I envisioned this time of fasting and prayer as a challenge to be conquered. My thought process looked something like this: I'm going to encounter God and experience greater intimacy. Yeah! It's going to be perfect - no messy failures where I have to meet my anxieties head-on. No. I'm going to circumvent the ugliness of who I am and simply ask God to break strongholds in my life. I'm going to intercede and pray and it's going to be a nice, pre-packaged, God experience. Oh! And I'm going to juice like crazy. !
Uh.., yeah no. How heretical of me to think of the Gospel as a nice, clean little experience. It is not. The Gospel is a beautiful, messy affair - unexpected and undeserved. I realized very quickly that God would allow my failures to humble me. Control has always been an idol in my life - one that I have described from time to time as a self-constructed cage that I oftentimes find myself in. And silly me, I was trying to control every aspect of this fast. It has been in the moments where I have fallen that everything becomes clearly focused: I am a sinner and am in need of God's constant grace. There is no such thing as a perfect fast; yes, we strive to re-prioritize the various things that have vied for our attention and worship. We repent, and ask God to take his rightful place in our hearts. We cry out for God's kingdom come during the duration of a fast, but we do so brokenly.
As I go into this last week of fasting and prayer, I come before the Lord with open palms and a desire to simply, steadily, look at Him. I know that He embraces me for who I am - this fickle person who so often gets caught up in the non-essentials.
