Aches

I was reminded these past few days of what it feels like to be loved. Fullness and joy and once again feeling comfortable in my own skin. Let me backtrack. I think these past few months have been a whirlwind of events - mostly me carrying a resounding dull ache in my heart and feeling like I was losing bits and pieces of myself. Heartache will do that to you - cause you to think dark and heavy thoughts and then you feel self-loathing because you start to see sides of yourself that don't seem quite true. I stayed with Joseph and Esther after the CCDA conference this past weekend and I felt the feelings of fear, abandonment, and doubt slip away. I know that God blessed me with gentle affirmations of love this past weekend and I know that He is with me right now here in Chicago but why do I still feel heavy-hearted and overwhelmed by sadness? This ache in my heart will not go away. I wonder if my dad carries the same ache in his heart? All this to say, I know that there is an impending joy and that sadness and joy are different sides of the same coin. One could even say that great joy is not possible without deep sorrow; after all, weren't both of these things apparent in the life and death and resurrection of Christ? I find myself moving through the night towards the dawn, and it is my heart's cry to experience great joy and the love of God that makes that joy possible.