Hearts Aflame

During my time in Medellin, I learned a lot about its turbulent past and the clashing agendas of  paramilitary groups, guerrilla groups, government, and drug cartels whose activity climaxed in the 80s and 90s. Indeed, during this time, Medellin was considered one of the most dangerous and violent cities in the world and to this day, many Colombians have opposing and very sensitive views regarding Pablo Escobar, a world renown criminal who integrated the fragmented drug trafficking groups into an organized system. Indeed, all of the populace has been impacted by crime and violence (whether it be indirectly or directly) and as my Colombian friends informed me, many are prone to put on a smile and desire to forget the turbulent past.

On Saturday, I got to go to a local Colombian church with Katie and Julio and during the worship, the Lord spoke to me and I started to intercede for Colombia and the church here in Colombia and prayed that the nation would be transformed by a generation of believers and that Colombia would be a future peacemaker among nations. Interestingly enough, the Lord also said the following to me, "Grace, this is only the beginning. I'm going to show you more of what I am doing in other nations."

On my last day in Colombia, I journaled the following:

"I feel like His purposes for my time here have been fulfilled. He allowed me to experience new sights, new foods, a new culture, showed me how He is using the body of believers here in Colombia to expand His kingdom, gave me an insider's glimpse into a missionary family's life, affirmed my heart for the global church and for missions, refreshed me and taught me new things."

It's weird, even though I don't really know what my future holds, I have carried this deep, gut feeling of anticipation and excitement that I can only attribute to the excitement that God feels towards my future and the dreams he has for my life. It's an excitement that has encouraged me in dry seasons and in seasons of doubt - I know that God's dreams for my life are wrapped up in one purpose: to glorify Himself.

I'll end my post on this quote by Brennan Manning (please, do yourself a favor and read his book, Ruthless Trust):

"The reality of naked trust is the life of a pilgrim who leaves what is nailed down, obvious, and secure, and walks into the unknown without any rational explanation to justify the decision or guarantee the future. Why? Because God has signaled the movement and offered it his presence and his promise."

Safety Net

I cannot deny that I am a fickle creature, prone to sink deep into emotions and quick to stray from the Lord and forget his love. And yet, there is an aspect to my relationship with Christ that I have come to appreciate, and it is His grace and mercy. As a Christian, I am free to express myself honestly before the Lord and free to mess up and stumble and wander because there is a safety net around me. True, as Christians we should never take the Lord's grace and mercy for granted, but what I have come to realize these days is that His grace is never far from me - it is there to catch me when I stumble.

The thing is, I see myself go through moments when I experience waves of despair and hopelessness but in perspective, even these things are experienced within the safety net of God's grace. He will never remove His presence from me, and there is an overarching hope that I can constantly come back to. It is God's hesed love, it is his unchanging character and faithfulness. And for that, my only response is one of worship. 

I am officially halfway through Rush's nursing program (hurrah!) and God, I give you glory! I know that you are going to turn my small yes to your dreams and plans into something beyond my wildest imaginations. Thank you that despite my doubts and grumblings regarding nursing you have remained faithful and have sustained me thus far. Incline my heart towards Yours, incline my ears towards Your voice, and increase my faith so that I can say yes to your promptings.

Wash my feet, and my hands and my head

He came to Simon Peter, who said to him, "Lord, do you wash my feet?" Jesus answered him, "What I am doing, you do not understand now, but afterward you will understand." Peter said to him, "You shall never wash my feet." Jesus answered him, "If I do not wash you, you have no share with me." Simon Peter said to him, "Lord, not my feet only but also my hands and my head!" -John 13: 6-9

With his crucifixion imminent, Christ washes his disciples' feet (including Judas') in an act of love. As I read through this passage, I am struck by Peter's earnestness and desire to experience God's love.  Not only his feet, but he wants Christ's act of love to wash over hands, to wash over his head. Little does he realize that Christ's impending death will be the ultimate act of love that washes his heart.

So Christ, let your love clean these hands, these words and thoughts and actions, this heart. Let your love transform me to reflect your love and let it seep into the lives of others. Help your words become a reality in my life: "For the whole law is fulfilled in one word: 'You shall love your neighbor as yourself" (Galatians 5:14). Truly, I can only love my neighbor if You are in the center of my heart.

Do Not Fear

But God, if I have truly experienced your Gospel and your love, why is it that I experience and live with such anxiety and fear?

Do not fear.

But God, I'm laying here, and I feel so lost. I feel so lost in my relationships with my dad and my sister and I feel so lost within myself. I am my worst enemy, and I wish I could see the potential that you see in me.

Do not fear.

But God, all that this life offers does not satisfy me. I am searching and seeking and I keep coming back to you. I will not settle for anything less than you.

Do not fear.

God, with all of my sin and all of my limitations, I come before you and give it to you. I do not have confidence in myself so I look to you.

Grace, do not fear.

A Prayer

Create in me a new heart, Lord.

Breathe life on all the places that have become hardened and jaded,

on areas where I have allowed bitterness to take root 

and spaces where thorns have flourished.

In my heart of hearts, I am a sinner - 

prone to despise you, myself, my neighbor.

Easy to wander, quick to self-idolize, I cannot 

stand on my own self-righteousness.

I give you deep-rooted fears that 

I am not enough, that I am a broken record 

stuck in the past and unable to operate in the present.

Create in me a new heart, Lord - 

let my life be a reflection of your saving grace.