Unceasing

A few weeks ago, I found myself praying to the Lord to use this unprecedented season to bring me back to a state where my heart was re-enamored and re-infused with his love. I found myself with this desire of not wanting to simply pass this time numbly and mindlessly, but instead reconnect with the Lord in deeper and more intimate ways. I subscribed to the monthly devotional subscription that She Reads Truth offers, downloaded the app, and began to incorporate early morning rhythms of sitting before the Lord in silence and in his word. In the beginning, I sensed that there was anger and bitterness in my heart towards my dad in the aftermath of my most recent interaction with him so I wept a lot in front of the Lord and just laid my heart bare before him. And true to who He is, the Lord met me in those spaces.

Recently, I just started a new reading plan via SRT centered around giving thanks and as I read yesterday's devotional (https://shereadstruth.com/why-do-we-give-thanks/), I started to give thanks to the Lord and before I knew what was happening, I found myself crying and crying from gratitude. Who am I that the Lord would draw near? Who am I that even in my wretchedness and selfishness that the Lord would continue to lavish his love on me? Recently, my friend Kimmy helped initiate a fund at my church to help undocumented immigrant families financially (families that will most likely not be getting a stimulus check due to their status), and I remember talking to her and just sitting in my room in awe at how God was moving. In the days prior, I felt a small thought embed itself into my mind as I was running: what if I donated a portion of my stimulus check to help my neighbors? (As a side note, some of my best thoughts occur on my long runs). I didn't think too deeply about it, however, until yesterday. As I spent time with the Lord, the thought of donating to the fund popped into my head once again and I knew that I wanted to obey the Lord and donate. So I donated and instantly, I could feel the Lord's pleasure. And wow, that made me cry some more. Why is it so hard to obey you, Lord? You are so worthy to be trusted and obeyed. You are so worthy of it all. And not only that, but obeying you in that moment was not a chore or burden. It did not feel like I was pressured into giving nor did it feel like I had to earn your love. You poured your love out on me and I simply responded in an act of worship centered on gratitude. And I was able to bask in your love even more.

Lately, I've been memorizing scripture and my most recent one has been 1 John 4:19: "We love because He first loved us." Indeed, the love of God is active; it is not stagnant. His love is unceasing, limitless, without human limitations and void of brokenness. It is raw in its consuming holiness and will not be quenched - it is his pleasure to give us more.

Lastly, I texted my mom yesterday and she responded by saying, "Grace, I just deposited double the amount you donated in your account. Can you donate to the Solidarity Fund on my behalf as well?" I just love that this was her response to my text. I just love that I am not surprised by my mom's response. I just love that she loves to love.

Olive Trees

the olives trees that reside in this heart

do not extend their branches unwittingly

these branches tremble, cautiously unfurl 

and offer an opportunity to meet, and to talk 

beneath sun-drenched leaves 

these are the kinds of dreams that linger

and yet I am too aware that forgiveness does not equal reconciliation  

and so for now I forgive (but cannot forget), 

and continue to cultivate the olive trees 

in my heart 

--

God, I pray that you would protect my heart in the midst of disappointment. I pray that you would protect me from the depression that lurks too close for comfort. I pray that you would be my joy, my solace, and my strength. I don't know why my dad does what he does; help me to be satisfied in you, Lord.