To the Cross We Go

Once again, I lay down my pride, my time, my resources. Once again, I lay down my money and what I think I need. I lay down my entitlement, my need to be known and wanted. The need to be significant and the need to be heard. I lay down my relationships and what is out of my control. I lay myself down at the foot of the cross. 

Help me, Holy Spirit, to be discerning of how to use my time and resources. Help me to discern who to reach out to and who to walk alongside. Help me to pray for my church and for Pastor Peter, regardless of this moment when both have parted ways. Help me to serve and love unconditionally. And as I near my 28th birthday, Lord, help me to enter this next season of life reflecting more and more of you. 

Dear Jenny

My heart is feeling all the feels right now, and while I want to someday give you these words written down on paper, I don't want to pass up this opportunity to lean into this moment. It has been a journey of 27 years for me and more for you - the moments and seasons when we both wandered and felt lost (each in our own unique way) and felt disconnected from each other. There were moments throughout my childhood/teenager years when I felt your absence profoundly and mourned the figurative loss of a sister. Indeed, life has not been easy on you. For some reason unbeknownst to me, the Lord has always put me in the role of observer/intercessor in our relationship - I have many memories where I found myself in this role, where I cried out to the Lord again and again asking him to meet you and show you His love.

When I visited in 2019, you mentioned to me that something was happening in your heart and that you were coming to a crossroads in your life - you mentioned that you felt like something big was on the horizon but that you couldn't put your finger on it. I wondered at your words, but kept silent and simply continued to pray. And then early on in 2020, you called me in the middle of the night saying that the Lord had encountered you in a way where you knew there was no going back. I wept tears of happiness - to the point where my roommate knocked on my door and asked if I was all right. I remember thinking to myself, "The Lord has answered the deepest desire of my heart and I could die right now knowing that my work here on earth has been fulfilled." In all of this, I got to witness firsthand the power of prayer and intercession (even if it took more than a decade of prayer).

While I didn't know what was up ahead, the Lord did. He nudged your heart to apply to a graduate counseling program here in Salt Lake. You doubted yourself and I saw you wrestling with yourself and whether or not you could do it, let alone if you would even get accepted to the program. 

And then, to your bewilderment and against all odds, the Lord opened the door and you got into the program. You yourself to this day give the Lord due credit and have told me time and time again of his faithfulness in taking you through each semester. 

During this time, we talked every now and again and even prayed together over the phone. You mentioned how hard it was to follow Christ alone and without community. I continued to pray that the Lord would provide one; in the meantime, however, I tried to connect you with my church community in Chicago (thank you Zoom). Fast forward a few months to the present: I'm here visiting you and mom in Salt Lake City. Four of my housemates/friends from Chicago are flying in this morning and we are all going to Southern Utah to go on a camping trip together. How amazing is it, that the Lord would literally send a community to Utah so that you could witness firsthand the beauty of Christian community? Last night, I worshipped the Lord and cried and cried from thankfulness. I pray that you would continue to experience the Lord's radical and overwhelming love during our trip and into the future.

My heart has and always will be for your supreme knowledge of how great God's love is and how it can change us and transform us for his glory. 

Love, your sister.