Limits

Lord, today I am aware of my limits. 

I took wrong exits on the freeway (not once, but twice).

I got overstimulated and easily overwhelmed at the AM vax site and towards the end of the day, I got impatient with Maggie and was rude to her in front of the team.

I'm supposed to have my micro-group over tonight but quite frankly, I feel drained and don't really want to socialize with people, let alone host. 

These are my limits today, Lord. 

These are the limits I surrender before you. 

I ask for humility as I apologize to Maggie; 

I ask that I would have grace towards myself.

I ask that you would fill me with joy and strength 

as I sit before you. 

Once again, I pray that you would help me in this moment.

Prepare me for tonight; I pray that you would meet me 

and the other women as we fellowship. 

I pray that your presence 

would make itself known tonight. 

Miracles

 I unexpectedly have the day off today and it's a bit of a godsend because I've been wanting to process these past few weeks and months. For the most part, life has been a joyful whirlwind of growing deeper in my relationships with my community here in Chicago, training for the upcoming marathon, and simply soaking in this season of life. 

Indeed, this chapter has been unlike any past season. For most of my life, the journey towards healing has been painstakingly slow and at times, I felt like the changes didn't cut deep enough. I don't discount the times when the Lord encountered me powerfully; in fact, those were the times that carried me through many a dry season. Still, the deep sense of brokenness and pain that was a product of my childhood was too closely bound up to my personal sense of identity. I functioned from a place of brokenness, and I didn't know how to live life any differently.

And yet, something began to shift in 2020. It's like all the past moments of God's love and grace put me on this trajectory that led to this year and things began to accelerate and I sensed in myself deep internal changes that were further accelerated by serving at church and rooting myself deeper in community. I had the opportunity to start seeing a professional counselor (which I'm still doing), and I started to lean into a season of growing to accept my past and love myself. 

When the Lord asked me to sign up for the 2021 Chicago Marathon earlier this year, I had a sense that it wasn't a random request. Sure enough, these past four months have only served to holistically underline and reflect the internal and external changes in my life. Walls started to come down, strongholds started to break, deeply embedded lies started to dissipate. I find myself emerging out of this season as the person the Lord created me to be: his deeply, deeply cherished daughter. Free to love and be loved. Never abandoned and always cared for by the Lord. 

The changes cut deep. While the past has shaped much of who I am, the pain and dross no longer resides deeply in my heart. I do not see myself stuck in the past; indeed, the narrative has shifted. In my heart of hearts, I can't help but whisper, "God, this is a miracle." It is indeed a miracle, and I am forever indebted to the Lord.