i cried in therapy last night; i cried in the shower tonight.
i was worshipping at church this past Sunday and time slowed down and i found myself internally dialoguing with God. if i give you everything that feels empty and void, will you fill it? can i trust in you to fill it with something good?
and in that moment i wasn't met with silence but a i can and i will.
Nothing is permanent - this year, in fact, showed me how quickly things can change. The spring/summer were seasons of upheaval if you will and as I stare out the window noticing the dappled sunlight reflecting off of multicolored leaves, I am reminded that fall is a clear marker of the beauty of impermanent things.
Dynamics shifted between my old roommate that resulted in me moving out and into a new neighborhood with new roommates, my relationship with Stephen ended, plans changed, and a rich season of small group ended. The desire for permanence is wishful thinking.
This past Sunday, a group of friends and I went out to cheer for Kara and some other friends at the Chicago Marathon. I found myself caught up in the adrenaline of the occasion and the nostalgia of the day; indeed, exactly one year ago, I jumped in at mile 14 and ran 10 miles with Stephen, who happened to be running the marathon for the first time. I found him in the sea of runners this year as well, yelled out his name, cheered for him twice, and was swept up in the emotions of how things can change and look so different this time around. To this day, I will never understand why things could never work out - moreso internally within me in regards to this relationship. But I give myself credit to leaning into the doubt within and embracing the hard reality that to deny my truth would be destructive for both Stephen and I and us as a collective entity. I ask God "why" every now and again and trust that it's ok that I question and wrestle with the Lord. I trust that he has better plans for both Stephen and I and that only in hindsight will I understand to a greater extent this past season and why it came to an end. Truly, this past season is one that I will always cherish, always hold close to my heart, and repeatedly thank the Lord for the time I had with someone super special.
And in all of it, in all of the changing figurative and literal seasons, I embrace the impermanence, breath deeply that which is fleeting, and take notice of God's hand throughout it all.
