I had therapy today, and it was so very much needed. Coming out of last night's dinner with Mary and Conrad, I realized into the evening that I was tired, stretched thin, and had nothing else to give. This month has been a balancing act of me juggling various things - from choir practice to leading women's group to going to Chi Tab prayer on Tuesdays and prioritizing Saturday morning prayer to persistently/stubbornly clinging unto my marathon training schedule to hosting weekly dinners.. All good things and yet, I'm emotionally and physically tired, worn thin and am reminded that I need to pause and reassess what my schedule currently looks like.
A lot of today's session revolved around why I do what I do and what my ulterior motives are and I realize that so much of my drive in regards to hosting people is because I want to create spaces for intimacy. Again, not a bad thing but there is this incessant, subtle lie that I need to engineer intimacy, and that if I don't create space then I'll be forgotten. There is a lie that says "people will only love me if I do x, y, and z." Which brings me to ruminate on what it looks like to have intimacy with others as a single woman and have confidence in the fact that I am loved simply because of who I am, and not what I do or what I can offer in relationship; indeed, I can trust that the Lord can and will organically create deeper intimacy in my relationships. I am challenged to think deeply about what it looks like to operate under a mindset of freedom and not fear even as I tap into things that give me joy like hosting.
The thing is, the season has birthed with it many a good opportunity and I'm thankful for being able to lean into those opportunities. However, I also pause at this time and ask God to give me the trust and strength to let go of my to-do list, to lean into Sabbath rest, and to remind me that I am loved simply because of who I am, not the laundry list of what I can produce.
Lord, have mercy on me, your daughter who is need of fresh waves of grace and love.
