I got word that one of my patients passed away by means of MAID today. It sits heavy on my mind, spirit, being this evening. The thing is, death is not new in the work I do; death is inevitable, oftentimes sooner rather than later. Death is a robber, insensitive to person, relationships, time. It comes, and I've seen one too many a person transition from palliative care to hospice and finally, to the great abyss.

I am no healer; I do recognize, however, that the presence, kindness and care that my team and I provide can soften the painful edges of someone's journey. Indeed, when I pan out of this singular incident, I realize that what I am able to offer is sacred. These hands and feet can't turn back time, can't reverse progressive neurological disease, can't push back the tides of sickness. They can, however, hold and comfort a person journeying through life with x,y,z.

These days I continue to ruminate on the circumstances of life, and how I really can't take anything for granted. That nothing is truly mine to grasp, and that everything requires stewardship. There is an invitation to live with humility, and with a reverent posture towards God. And to accept that there are questions that will never be answered on this side of heaven. And so I grapple and wrestle with why things must exist as they do and I trust that even feeble faith will bridge the void. 

2026

 as this year kicks off, i've been ruminating over 2025 and the potential of 2026. i'm not one for resolutions but i do sense this desire to simply be faithful to the lord with whatever doors he opens. just as last year was a year of consistency and stability, I have a feeling that this year will be one of change and expansion. these are just utterances giving structure to what i foresee this year will hold - as to how and what God will fill this year with, well, only time will tell. 

i'm kicking off 2026 with deep gratitude. for healthy limbs, for being able to run almost daily, for ease in the kitchen and getting more and more accustomed to hosting and cooking, for my job and financial stability and cushion, for my friends and family, for this apartment and for wonderful roommates. for a sound mind, for inner peace and a sense of being, for being able to commune with God in the most mundane moments and exist in relationship with Him. 

There's a lot to be thankful for and i can't help but think that all of this is not mine to grasp but to steward well. i could have been born in a different situation, with less means and less capacity, with no awareness of God stumbling through life blindly, etc etc etc the list goes on. But here i am, here i stand. And what will i do with the means, resources, and privilege that I've been blessed with? i feel like this year will be one where different passions converge and where God will show me glimpses of his bigger calling on my life. i'm not sure when, i'm not sure how, but here i am.