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where to begin? i am forever changed. forever changed by His gentle whispers.

"But the Lord said to him, "What are you doing here, Elijah?" Elijah replied, "I have zealously served the Lord God Almighty. But the people of Israel have broken their covenant with you, torn down their altars, and killed every one of your prophets. I am the only one left, and now they are trying to kill me, too." "Go and stand before me on the moutain," the Lord told him. And as Elijah stood there, the Lord passed by, and a mighty windstorm hit the mountain. It was such a terrible blast that the rocks were torn loose, but the Lord was not in the wind. After the wind there was an earthquake, but the Lord was not in the earthquake. And after the earthquake there was a fire, but the Lord was not in the fire. And after the fire there was the sound of a gentle whisper. When Elijah heard it, he wrapped his face in his cloak and went out and stood at the entrance of the cave." -1 Kings 19:9-13

these past couple of months have been some of the hardest . my grandpa's dementia cruelly whisked him away from my mom, from me. he lives in the past, and i know this past of his is painful. to make things worse, he suffered from a stroke about two months ago, and is now currently residing at a care center. those who suffer from severe dementia are put upstairs. it's here that time becomes painstakingly unbearable. this place has a soporific effect. so this is it. is this it? during this time, i halfheartedly lifted my prayers up to God. i did what i knew how to do best: i shut others out, withdrew into myself, and tried handling it on my own. oh, you with trembling faith. but God, how merciful are you? i have stronger convictions, greater visions . He continues to reassure me that He is in control. it's all growing pains . but i'm at peace, and i know that my grandpa is in His palm.