To the woman he said,

"I will surely multiply your pain in childbearing; in pain you shall bring forth children.

Your desire shall be for your husband, and he shall rule over you."

this verse makes me incredibly wistful as well as sad. our desire was once for God, not for man. we were created to desire God with all of our soul, with all of our thoughts and emotions, with every inhale and exhale. with all of our strength... man should be the secondary, not the primary recipient of our affections. so. what now?

I ask you - let my desire be for you. Truly, you shaped me to love you wholeheartedly.

we sat in shadow, and then lightness. i sat there feeling out of place. God, i lift up relationships to you. i want to be challenged by this group. their love for you is so deep; i want to learn more about You through them.

stop. something catches my eye - i look up and see the sky through the window in the ceiling. clear light filters through and bathes us in light.

You are so beautiful, God. even the sun and sky speak of your majesty and glory.

those who pay regard to vain idols forsake their hope of steadfast love. [jonah 2:8]

thank you.

Lord, thank you.

The Lord, the Lord, a God merciful and gracious,

slow to anger, and abounding in steadfast love and faithfulness.

feb. 2012

For everything there is a season, and a time for every matter under heaven:

a time to be born, and a time to die;

a time to plant, and a time to pluck up what is planted;

a time to kill, and a time to heal;

a time to break down, and a time to build up;

a time to weep, and a time to laugh;

a time to mourn, and a time to dance;

a time to cast away stones, a time to gather stones together;

a time to embrace, and a time to refrain from embracing;

a time to seek, a time to lose;

a time to keep, and a time to cast away;

a time to tear, and a time to sew;

a time to keep silence, and a time to speak;

a time to love, and a time to hate;

a time for war, and a time for peace. [ecclesiastes 3:1-8]

i'm thankful that there is a season for everything

and that it's absolutely beyond my control.

time is just another reminder of how You know what is best for me.

Let my choices and actions be in the context of whatever season you've placed me in.

Your will, Lord. Your will in the season of mourning, in the season of dancing.

If it's a time to love, let me love furiously. If it's a time to lose, give me the strength to let go.

in all things i have shown you that by working hard in this way we must help the weak and remember the words of the Lord Jesus, how He himself said, 'It is more blessed to give than to receive.'" [acts 20:35]

grace.

it is more blessed to give than to receive.

some thoughts

first semester:

I asked you to be my first love. i was filled every day - i came before you with open palms and you filled them beyond what i asked for. my joy was weaved partially in the blessings you poured out on me.

lord, this semester is harder. make me teachable; teach me - this is what i asked you as second semester began. i admit i faltered (i still do); i placed expectations on you to meet me in the same way that you had during first semester. but you're taking me through a different season. and i now realize that you want to give me a deeper joy. a joy that isn't based merely on blessings or even emotions but instead on who you are. i want this joy. Oh, God, i want this deep-rooted joy. let my reaction to you not be based on your gifts but on your character. lord, my joy in you is circumstantial. my love for you falters. how amazing is it that your love for me is the same every single moment? you never falter in delighting in me.

sometimes when i'm praying, i get this image of some sort of vase or jar being tipped over. it's contents are poured out. an emptying of sorts; a pleasing sacrifice..

whatever gain i had, i counted it as loss for the sake of Christ.

Now when they heard these things they were enraged, and they ground their teeth at him. But he, full of the Holy Spirit, gazed into heaven and saw the glory of God, and Jesus standing at the right hand of God. And he said, "Behold, I see the heavens opened, and the Son of Man standing at the right hand of God." But they cried out with a loud voice and stopped their ears and rushed together at him. Then they cast him out of the city and stoned him. And the witnesses laid down their garments at the feet of a young man named Saul. And as they were stoning Stephen, he called out, "Lord Jesus, receive my Spirit." And falling to his knees he cried out with a loud voice, "Lord, do not hold this sin against them." And when he had said this, he fell asleep.

Holy Spirit, come blow in the caverns of my soul. i am weary.

and yet, at the tip of my tongue are the words "You are glorious".

lord, if i open my hands, will you fill them again?

your promise that if i gave it all to you, that you would indeed make it all new.