heart worship

i'm finally home in Los Angeles and I just want to lift up all the things God did this summer. Here are some excerpts from my journal:

July 10-
When Jesus hung on the cross, he experienced brokenness in the fullest extent. He came on earth as a human to be broken. He broke himself from perfect union with the Father and the Holy Spirit so that He could save me from eternal damnation. I'll be 19 tomorrow - my wish is that with each year, I would understand a bit more of the profound love You have for me and that that would spur me on to love others to greater depths.

July 15 -
The conviction of the Holy Spirit and the overwhelming realization of my own brokenness and desperate need for God.

July 18 -
"Brokenness does not meant worthlessness." These are the words that Daniela spoke to me in bible study today. In Toy Story, old broken toys are thrown out because they are useless. There is no value in these broken objects and they are discarded because they are of no use to anyone anymore.

But how amazing is it that Christ came for the sole purpose of tending to the broken. Yes, He knew and was familiar with brokenness. He saw me as worthy to die for.

-
God I lift up Ophelie. Show me more of your heart for her. Lord, I ask that you steadfastly continue to pursue her. I'm not sure why I've come to care for her so much - maybe it's because she reminds me of my sister. God, you desire to have a relationship with her. Please don't loosen your grip on her. Work in her life in a way that directs her to a fuller understanding of who you are. May she call out to you.

July 24 or 25 -
Today, I got to experience God in the city. Or at least that was the purpose of today's MTP class. My group separated at a park, and each person went his or her own way. I got on my bike, and looked down at the sheet of paper that was given to me:

1. Touch something that touches you.
2. Look for something that is a metaphor of what you want to do with your life.
3. Write a haiku poem about what you see around you.

Went to Vondelpark and was able to answer questions #2 and #3. The first question was definitely harder, but as I sat there thinking something or someone that never ceases to move my heart my thoughts went immediately to my sister and then to Ophelie. Got back on my bike, determined to bring her some Rittersport chocolate back at the hostel. I ran into the hostel, hot and breathless, and asked for Ophelie. She was in her room, and I barged in, not in the least mindful of those others trying to get their afternoon nap in. Went up to Ophelie, gave her the chocolate and quick hug and made my way back downstairs and finally back unto my bike.And after all this, I realize that my heart is still broken over my sister and that Ophelie, who just wants to "start a new life" here in Amsterdam has a spot in my heart as well.

 July 27 -
Gratitude List #1
1. Haley's testimony at small group
2. How my friendships with Meghan and Nicole have grown.
3. My talk with Faramarz - one of our Muslim cleaners. At the end of our conversation, I got to pray for him. Yes!
4. Caroline, Anna Shane, and Abby (whenever I think of our team, 1 Peter 4:8 comes to mind).
5. Loosening of self-righteousness.
6. This entire summer.

July 29 -
Amazing day. I got to switch shifts with Caroline, which allowed me to go to Vineyard. At church, there was a guest speaker who led Healing on the Streets at Dam Square the previous day.At the end of the service Mark Marx invited the congregation to receive healing in areas where people struggled with different kinds of fears and phobias and eating disorders. I walked up with several others and as he was praying for us, a clear voice in my head told me, "Grace, my gift to you. My promise to heal you."

Later that day, Sergio visited the hostel. The best part? He went to church with Francisca (one of the managers here at the hostel) for the first time. when i talked to him, he told me that he liked seeing everyone worship so freely and sincerely. I was so happy to see him. He came by the Shelter when he heard that us girls would be going home this coming week (camera in tow - how sweet!).

On a more somber note, Sandra visited the hostel and I found out that she is considering going back to prostitution. I don't know of anything else i can do but pray for her.

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Lastly, I met Masha, a guest who was staying at the hostel. I quickly became chummy with her and learned that she had done YWAM and that God had told her to come to Europe because He had plans for her here. She really taught me a thing or two about being led by the Holy Spirit. Sunday evening we decided to pray for each other and after I finished praying for her, God must have spoken to her because she looked at me and said that she felt so much peace about staying in Amsterdam and applying to the Shelter Ministry. The next day, she applied to be a volunteer and before I knew it, she had moved into the staff house. How cool is that? I'm so excited about how God is going to use her during her time here.

So there it is, some excerpts from my journal. I have a couple more things that I want to share. On Wednesday, the night before our departure, I realized that someone had stolen my passport around midnight. Abby and I rode our bikes down to the police station around 2:30 in the morning and filed a police report, which got done around 3:30. When we came out of the station, we saw that someone had stolen one of our bikes. And then of course it had to start pouring rain as we made our way back to the house. The next morning, I had to say a hasty and rather sad goodbye to my team. I really didn't expect us to part ways in the way that we did. I ended up staying one more day in Amsterdam. Through it all, God really gave me His peace. I was able to get a temporary passport and the whole process went smoothly and without hassle. We ended up getting a flight out of Amsterdam the next day at the same time without any additional fee (!!!). Also, even my domestic flight to Los Angeles from Chicago was at the SAME exact time. How amazing is that? I realize now that God wanted to demonstrate his faithfulness to me in such a clear way. I'm so thankful because I know that I will have to lean on his faithfulness this coming semester.

I feel like God taught me so much about heart worship during my time in Amsterdam. God showed me more and more of his heart for the people around me, believers and nonbelievers alike. I just want to end with a note that my manager left me  -

He loves you! Not because of what you think, you did, you believe, your dreams, opinions, moral standards. Just because He wants to! And you can never return the favor or pay Him back. He will not accept any other thing than your whole and broken heart, with all its caves, mountains, seas, fields, palm trees, and deserts.

This is what God desires from us - our broken hearts.