my worship to you will not be grounded on emotions or circumstances, but simply on who you are. God, you are deserving of worship because of your unchanging character. my emotions will fluctuate and different seasons will come and go. i think that these past few months i've been able to see just how weak i am and how easily i turn to sin. i surrender my brokenness, depression, & bitterness. i surrender and come before you to worship you.

You are always good. my prayer that despite my circumstances, that these would be the words that come from my lips. Father, you are always good.

my crippling fear in exchange for a humbling fear of you.

sinking

it's funny how these days i just want to give in to the dark chasms in my heart. these days it's a constant wrestle between two dichotomies: the light & the dark. is it possible to forget how to love oneself? is it possible to forget how to love others? i'm at a loss on how to do both. i loathe how i put so much meaning into things (idols) that catalyze spiritual death. lately, i see how so many put their heart into idols and my heart breaks. God have mercy on me, a sinner. i don't understand why i choose the dark instead of the light - it's more than my foolishness, it's my rejection of your love. God, i don't understand myself. Have mercy on me.

read through Romans - time to read through it again..

You will show me the way of life, granting me the joy of your presence and the pleasures of living with you forever. -Psalms 16:11

The cry of my heart is to know the one true living God.

i'm continuing with the premed track, and thinking about a chemistry minor. after having scanned the list of majors that wheaton college offers, i can't say i'm close to deciding a major. some things that i'm sure of:

-I don't want to major in a science because i have this yearning in my heart to explore the humanities.

-God grew this passion in my heart for Europe and for the people living in Amsterdam. There's not a lot of things that I'm passionate about, but somehow I came away from Europe having been touched profoundly by the love that God has for Amsterdam and the people living there. 

-History is a potential major that has been on my mind. I'm taking this class next semester --> 

HIST 349. Origins of Contemporary Europe (1870-1950). Analysis of socioeconomic, political, and cultural foundations of twentieth-century Europe, and the causes and impact of both world wars.

Hopefully, things will start to look more definite by the end of this year.

father, i feel so lost.

I have loved you with an everlasting love.

-jeremiah 31:3