i sat across from the counselor and turned her question over in my head. Think of two boxers in a ring. Who or what are you fighting with? 

These past seven months have been exhausting because I've been fighting with myself - the old me, the "orphan" me who feels alone & rejected vs. the me who has been redeemed and bought by Christ.

"When I was a child, i spoke and thought and reasoned as a child. But when i grew up, i put away childish things. Now we see things imperfectly as in a cloudy mirror, but then we will see everything with perfect clarity. All that I know now is partial and incomplete, but then I will know everything completely, just as God now knows me completely."

-1 Corinthians 13:11-12

-couldn't stop crying in chapel today (it's ok if my chapel buddies think i'm slightly off my rocker).
just when i think i understand a little bit more of what Jesus did on the cross, the Holy Spirit pounds me with greater understanding & i am left shaken. as i sat there, i understood a little bit of what Jesus must have felt when He was separated from the Father. Jesus died on the cross so that we could once again have a restored relationship with God. My relationship with God is restored, but what about my relationship with my dad? i called him last night, & the old feelings of abandonment and rejection made deeper wounds in my heart. no, i won't be going to los angeles this summer & at this point, i don't know when we'll talk again. i wish i understood my dad better. Jesus, I forgive him. Let your will be done in my relationship with my dad. Let your will be done this summer.

-there's a chance that I might be going to India to intern for EHA - Emmanuel Hospital Association. i would be shadowing a physician and at the same time be exposed to church planting and evangelism. i emailed one of the doctors in the association (on the fly) & he replied back a lot sooner than i expected, a couple of hours later actually. i'm in the middle of praying about it right now, but i feel like God keeps putting it on my heart. i don't really want to go to India - it's waaaaaay too hot for me, as well as spiritually intense, but i think there's a reason why it's been on my heart. more on this later.

Faith is saying "thank you" to the gift of salvation lavished upon us by God.
-Chris Vlachos (my New Testament professor)

Koinonia Farm, Georgia

these days:
i felt His love working in the vineyards at Koinonia Farm during Spring Break. and as i pruned grape vines, God reminded me of all of His promises. it felt good to feel the sun on my face & allow Him to crack through the layers and layers of frozen soil in my heart. one afternoon, as my team and i were driving along, it started to rain. this song (see below) came on and as i sat there living in that moment, i felt God's presence & his love. a single thought resounded in my head: God's love is bigger. in my heart, i will declare of His goodness & faithfulness. living with my problems and brokenness is nothing if it means that I can experience more of God's love; I don't say this lightly, but rather sincerely and from the heart. during my time at Koinonia Farm I was able to tell my friend a little bit of what was going on in my life and this past monday, she walked with me to the counseling center to make an appointment with one of the counselors. Abba, walk with me.

sinking to places where no one can meet me except God.
excuse my inability to function.

find me in the deepest of deeps, and restore me.
it's right now that you are YHWH, my Savior.

You call me out upon the waters
The great unknown where feet may fail
And there I find You in the mystery
In oceans deep
My faith will stand

And I will call upon Your name
And keep my eyes above the waves
When oceans rise
My soul will rest in Your embrace
For I am Yours and You are mine

Your grace abounds in deepest waters
Your sovereign hand
Will be my guide
Where feet may fail and fear surrounds me
You've never failed and You won't start now

So I will call upon Your name
And keep my eyes above the waves
When oceans rise
My soul will rest in Your embrace
For I am Yours and You are mine

Spirit lead me where my trust is without borders
Let me walk upon the waters
Wherever You would call me
Take me deeper than my feet could ever wander
And my faith will be made stronger
In the presence of my Savior

I will call upon Your Name
Keep my eyes above the waves
My soul will rest in Your embrace
I am Yours and You are mine