out of the depths incense will rise.

when one of the girls in my small group said something along the lines of "being in this small group was good for me because i learned that my family isn't the only one that is dysfunctional at Wheaton" I couldn't help but become saddened by her comment.

As much as I'm grateful to have been in a place where i could understand her pain, a part of me ached at the fact that my family is indeed very much broken. So much of the pain of this semester has been rooted in just that and it's been to an overwhelmingly degree that I've been affected by the broken relationships in my family.

I guess this is where you step in, God. i pray that you would feel this vast void that i feel inside me. i pray that you would meet me where i'm at right now.

Jesus, I trust You. 

observation #1: i took Old Testament with Dr. Lane last spring semester and am currently taking New Testament with Dr. Vlachos. if you knew these professors and had a chance to sit in their classes, i think you would agree with me that Dr. Lane and Dr. Vlachos personify the Old Testament and New Testament, respectively. You experience God's love and grace in both classes, but differently.

taking it further, God's love is like a brilliant multi-faceted diamond. there are so many facets to God's love and you can't help but feel overwhelmingly caught off guard in being able to experience it in different seasons and contexts but in the end, those different aspects of His love run deeply in His consistent character. His love never changes, and you and i are recipients of that love. 

anyways, looks like i'll be TAing for Dr. Vlachos next year. He sent out an email and i ended up responding kind of on a whim. actually, i've had this desire to continue being discipled by him after the course ends and i feel like being his TA will provide that opportunity. when i met with him yesterday, he mentioned that other people responded to his offer but that he chose me instead. i plan on writing down my conversations and interactions with him next year so i hope, dear reader, that you are as blessed as i am by this unconventional follower of Christ.

Some interesting facts about Dr. Vlachos:
-He is Greek
-His father was part of the Chicago syndicate & knew Al Capone back in the day
-He was called to be a missionary to the Mormons in Utah and was a pastor at Calvary Church
-From what i can gather from his stories, he got into a lot of fist fights with kids when he was a teenager
-He was very anti-Christian & used to scribble out 'Jesus' and write-in 'Caesar' in various Bibles (whenever his friend brought him to church)
-He couldn't kick the habit of smoking an occasional joint now and again (while he was a Christian) until God did a bit of disciplining (otherwise known as 'The Titanic Story')
-While he was in Utah, he volunteered at the Utah State Penitentiary and ministered to the prisoners there. One time, he went down to the part of the penitentiary reserved for the mentally insane and asked the guard to open up one of the inmate's cell. The man in the cell was naked and human excrement was strewn along the walls of the cell and it was here that Dr. Vlachos talked to him about Jesus and was simply a friend to him. A couple of weeks later, Dr. Vlachos returned to a cell that had been cleaned up and to a man who was dressed in clothes. Later, this guy even stayed at Dr. Vlachos' house when he was released from the penitentiary.

So interesting might be an understatement haha.

read:
-C.S. Lewis' Space Trilogy
-All books by W.G. Sebald
-That Kate Chopin book that Abby recommended to me

watch:
-Reruns of 24
-More reruns of Seinfeld

sleep:
-In? Probably not, i'm too fond of my mornings.

4 more weeks. :)

also - i'm trying to counter my recent emotional/semi-angsty posts with lightheartedness in the form of lists and whatnot.  :)

p.s. hi johana. feel free to leave a comment or say 'hi'.

Lesson #1

Imagine a submarine radar with God at the center and all of us humans oriented around him. Each person is a prick of light, and some are closer than others. During my time in Europe, God began easing the burden of "evangelism" and the pressure of converting someone on the spot and instead began showing me His love for that someone. My job, then, was to simply allow God to use me to further convey his love to that person and draw that prick of light on the map closer to him. It's heartening to know that we are never off the map, and that in our walk with Christ, we can only move closer to Him.

You stood before my failureCarried the Cross for my shameMy sin weighed upon Your shouldersMy soul now to stand
So what can I say?What can I do?But offer this heart O GodCompletely to You
So I'll walk upon salvationYour Spirit alive in meThis life to declare Your promiseMy soul now to stand

amsterdam

i long for,

the inhalations and exhalations of a thing that has already pervaded, infiltrated, 

seeped into my body. 

there are, 

caverns within me that can't possibly hold 

Your caresses and open glances.

this is,

a remembrance of things past - of which echoes continue to reverberate.

"I want to know Christ and experience the mighty power that raised him from the dead. I want to suffer with him, sharing in his death, so that one way or another I will experience the resurrection from the dead." -philippians 3:10-11

i long to be closer to you - to press into your presence and know you more deeply. God, it's hard. it's hard. i know you're beside me, but my heart aches and hurts and falters. i feel like i'm at the bursting point - God hold onto me. i yearn for you and desire with all of my heart to glorify you. to seek you out when i find myself in the deepest of deeps. to seek you out right now. God, my heart aches so much and i feel so broken. i need your grace and mercy to wash over me - so that your name would be glorified.