His Story

so how does it feel to be a part of God's story? The God who said "let there be light" and filled the void with all that we can see and touch and feel. The God who made himself known to the Israelites and gave them the law, even as he knew that He would send Jesus to die for the sins of all. The Great I AM, weaving past stories and present stories into his own grand scheme. He is alpha & omega, beginning & end. The beginning of me, and the end of me. I feel that I am caught up in something too grand, too beautiful and marvelous; indeed, my mind can barely comprehend the intricacy and complexity of God's story and movement towards you and me. Ah, the transcendency and intimacy of God. He is God, infinite in his being. I am finite, taking up only a wisp of time and space. And yet, he knows the ins and outs of my thoughts and emotions and heart and mind and soul. He makes himself known to me, and life becomes more real, more vibrant in all of its joys and sorrows. He is with me, and I am able to experience the highs and lows with hope. God is not finished with his redemptive story. He is not finished with my story, or yours.

Weave my story into Your Story, and I pray that you would take my life in directions unknown to me.
The time I have, I give to you.

A Prayer

I pray … I pray that my walk with God would not consist of trite Christian words and trite experiences. I want to know the power of the Gospel and I want to experience a greater depth of God's love. Holy Spirit, increase my love for you and put in me a hunger that I cannot control.

If it's one thing that I've realized as I get older, it's that my capacity and need for God is greater and that I find myself desperate for him more and more. The layers of brokenness don't go away with time; time only makes me realize how selfish and prideful each person is, with me at the top of that list. Without God, I am dysfunctional. honestly, the only good + true + beautiful thing about me is Jesus.

God, thank you. Thank you that I can walk with you. That my joy is hinged on who you are and your goodness and your faithfulness. God, i've only lived 20 years but I pray that my love for you and for others would exponentially increase with each passing year. Father, I have so much to learn - mold me, change me, transform me. You see me; you know me, and I am yours.

these days there is a constant tension between good works and sanctification as an act of grace from God. these days, i'm ashamed because i feel like God should be more apparent in my life - i should have more self-control, i should have less pride, i should be more compassionate, the list goes on and on. did i mention that I feel guilty for coming before God with the same sins? oh yeah, i come before him with the same struggles and heartaches. and sometimes, i feel more healed than other days. but overall, i feel like i'm a let-down.

Stop.

I'm reminded again and again and again - each time i fall, each time i sin - that God knew the depth of my brokenness and sinfulness. That he reached out to me, and not me to him. That he sent his one and only Son to me. I can take a breath - a big one - and approach the cross.

God, you wouldn't have it any other way. You desire that I come before you broken and struggling with the same things. I come before you on this Good Friday and ask that I would be reminded of how much I need you and how much you love me.

i feel the need to create a summer plans list because it actually snowed something beastly today. where the heck am i? oh yeah, the mid-west. 

summer 2014 (goals get less exciting as the list continues).

>LEARN MORE ABOUT TURKEY/LEARN TURKISH
>SPIRITUAL DISCIPLINES 
> SCRIPTURE 'SPELUNKING'*
>GET UPDATED ON WORLD EVENTS
>GREATER USE OF LITURGICAL PRAYER 
>READ BOOKS BY A.W. TOZER**
>PRAY FOR YHMers***
>VOLUNTEER AT MALIHEH FREE CLINIC/SHADOW A PA 
>WORK ON JRP 
>FIND A JOB 
>SUMMER CLASSES (MICROBIO & MEDICAL TERMINOLOGY)
>STUDY FOR GREs 

*Kinda like going caving, but better.
**My world was rocked after reading the deceptively slender Pursuit of God. World. rocked.
***Also pray that I would one day be able to do the Camino pilgrimage.

Also:
>Think about S. Korea now and again. Some reoccurring thoughts:
-What am I thinking?
-Banana milk..
-In the case that I need some breathing space from Koreans, where will i go? First things first, I need to find a niche i can slink off to from time to time.
-My faith as a lens that will help me perceive the culture and people around me.

Thankful list:
-Steph got accepted into Wheaton's psych program and is going to be a grad student here next fall! Which means senior year is going to rock.
-Passion week
-Gospel of John
-Coffee outing with cabinet
-Got to hang out Saturday night and go to a hibachi grill with Wheaton's head pastry chef
-Thankful to be given the opportunity to be a student

Refractions

just as light is bent, or refracted as it passes from one substance to another, i trust that Jesus is clearly visible in the broken pieces of my life. I want to see you in my brokenness. I want to walk with you in my brokenness.

Prayer Group

I can't believe it's almost the end of junior year. One of the biggest blessings of my time here at Wheaton has been the prayer group that I am a part of. It's a space where each one of us has been able to be weak and cry out to the Lord. It's a place where tears of sorrow and tears of joy have been shed. There's a unity and a tangible purity and sincerity of heart and an authority that undergirds the prayers that are lifted up. The prayers of my brothers and sisters cover me. The prayers that we cry out to the Lord cause the enemy to shake and flee. I haven't found a lot of spaces at Wheaton where brokenness and grace have been so intertwined in the context of community. God, you are good. God, I thank you for the lives of Jeanie, Joseph, Woojin, Joshua, Laura, and Alison. I thank you that I see so much love for you in my brothers and sisters and they truly truly desire to live for you. I thank you that even in their struggles and weaknesses that they always come back to you. I pray that you would continue to bless our fellowship these next couple of weeks, even as we get ready to part ways.

Readings from John

Because of the miraculous signs Jesus did in Jerusalem at the Passover celebration, many began to trust in him. But Jesus didn't trust them, because he knew human nature. No one needed to tell him what mankind is really like. [John 2:23-25]
For God loved the world so much that he gave his one and only Son, so that everyone who believes in him will not perish but have eternal life. God sent his Son into the world not to judge the world, but to save the world through him. [John 3:16-17]

Can such a thing be explained? I'm substituting my name in for these verses and I can't comprehend the enormity and weight behind these words.

No one needed to tell him what Grace is really like... 

For God loved Grace so much that he gave his one and only Son. God sent his Son in order to save Grace through him. 

Help me to be despairing for you. Help me to cry out, and ask you for more of Your presence and Your heart. All or nothing - I want all of You. Show me to cry out for you in the midst of spiritual warfare, in the midst of weakness. Holy Spirit, wake me up early in the morning with a burden on my heart for the nations. Holy Spirit, break me and break down walls in my heart. The enemy might try to tell me otherwise, but I know that I am someone who has received the love of God and am changed because of it. I will not and cannot remain the same. Jesus, become bigger in my life. You see me; you know me - I will press into your presence.

I'm sitting in a wheelchair and am at a conference where the speaker is talking about healing. He asks the crowd if there is anyone who wants to be healed. The room is silent, but my voice is loud and clear and desperate: Me! I want to healed. I want to be healed! Slowly, slowly, slowly I stand up and put one foot in front of the other, determined to get to the front of the room.

Someone had this dream about me a couple of weeks ago in Phoenix, and I didn't understand or care to understand. I'm at a place right now where I can acknowledge the weight of this dream and admit that I need God to continue to heal me. Jeez. I'm weak and foolish and prideful. There are areas in my life that I don't want God to see. He sees me, and he wants to heal me. No more skirting around the issue or trying to sweep it under the rug. I want to be completely, irrevocably healed. What does this mean for me? I know that God healed me on the cross but what do I need to do to get my heart to accept that truth? He tells me that I don't need to do anything; he tells me that healing comes with receiving his love and allowing him to become bigger than self-condemnation and sin.

Taizé Prayer & Worship

I was able to go to a Taize prayer and worship service last night with a couple of friends and I left incredibly refreshed after a pretty hard week. If you don't know, the Taizé community is an ecumenical monastic order in Southern France that stresses simplicity in worship and prayer for world peace and reconciliation. This past year, I've been able to visit some Greek Orthodox and Middle Eastern Orthodox churches and those experiences have given me a bigger context in which to frame my own faith. I love the atmosphere of reverence and awe created in these spaces, and I'm grateful that my Christian faith has a rich history that goes beyond my own singular context and story. Ahh. So many things to learn and so many postures of worship to glean from.