mom

one of my favorite things is hearing my mom laugh. it always catches me off-guard and is like a balm, smoothing away the day's wrinkles and capping the night (this night, at least) with echoes of it hanging about and landing softly on my eyelashes, on my bed - even on my current russian novel. perhaps my mom's laughter is the equivalent of fairy dust - it makes you want to somehow capture some of it and bottle it up.

and the best part? the catalyst to tonight's bout of laughter was a couple of kakaotalk messages with those weird little emoticons. who knew such silly text images could send her up the wall? jeez, i love her.

Beckoning

beck·on

/ˈbekən/

verb

gerund or present participle: beckoning

1. make a gesture with the hand, arm, or head to encourage someone to come nearer or follow.

   
   

   Discipleship. It's something that is unruly and unwilling to conform to my habits, my lifestyle. It's something I can't simply nitpick and try to incorporate cautiously into my life. This morning I sat on the floor, disappointed and frustrated at myself. Sometimes, I really really suck. There's no other way to put it. And then because he is gracious and merciful, he spoke: "Hey, Grace, it's all right. But you do know that this needs to change, right?" I felt like I needed to open the Bible to Luke 14, and sure enough, a section of that chapter reads on the cost of discipleship.

   
   

   Luke 14:25-28 says, "A large crowd was following Jesus. He turned around and said to them, "If you want to be my disciple, you must hate everyone else by comparison - your father and mother, wife and children, brothers and sisters - yes, even your own life. Otherwise, you cannot be my disciple. And if you do not carry your own cross and follow me, you cannot be my disciple. But don't begin until you count the cost." 

   
   

   The Lord never ceases to beckon us to come closer to him and follow him - He wants to show us more of his glory. The question is, do we want to experience and see that glory and are we willing to make the necessary sacrifices? I cannot possibly knowingly commit sin and expect to grow closer to God and grow deeper in my relationship with Him. But this relationship is something I cannot live without, and I know that his call to come and follow Him must override my own sinful nature. The Lord is alway the one that first initiates - moving closer to him, however, requires effort on my part and the act of taking up my own cross. 

   
   

   I guess I'm at a point where I need the cross to rock my world. There are things that need to radically change in my life and this is the point where I make a stand and say that not only will I repent of my sins, but I will turn away from them and turn towards Christ (with His help, of course). The road to discipleship is the course that I must take - there are no side-roads or backroads. I feel perhaps that four paragraphs is easier said than done - God, have mercy on me, a sinner. Help me to walk this path, knowing that you are more wonderful and more beautiful than anything in this world. 

There are days when I could slumber endlessly through the dawn and into the morning. Then there are days when I wake up, alert and with a desire to pray. I've decided to term this as "being wakened by the Holy Spirit"; thus, I found myself fully awake this morning at 5 in the morning. I followed my mom to the early morning prayer service at my church, what we Koreans call '새벽 기도'. And something deep down in my spirit sighed and I felt at home. 

Something that I have struggled with this summer is the temptations of my flesh. I desire intimacy with God and greater knowledge of his presence - I know that I can't function properly without his presence and my soul deeply hungers and yearns for it. A lot of this summer has been characterized by overindulgence - whether it's going on instagram & Facebook a little too often or not being able to practice self-discipline in different areas of my life. Honestly, social media is the cherry on top of a bigger pile of things that I have indulged in. This is where I insert a verse (Mark 14:38, actually) and leave it at that. No, not really. I think I have a long ways to go in terms of taking up my cross and dying to myself. My flesh is weak - there's no denying that. My spirit is willing - there's no denying that either. So… what now? 

When I sat in that room where men and women were on the ground praying out loud before the Lord, I was able to realize that prayer is the intimate connection with God that helps Christians stand against the desires of the flesh. It's me crying out to Lord for more of Him, for more of His heart, and it's Him graciously filling my heart with joy and life and ultimately, with more of His presence. 

21

I ended my 21st birthday by taking a midnight stroll through my neighborhood. The full moon hung low in the sky, dripping with shadows cast upon craters. In my gut, I had a feeling that I would end this day without a call from my dad, and sure enough, he continues to be very much vapor-like in my life. 

One thing that I've learned these past 21 years is that we are all born into a world that is very much broken. Brokenness cuts through generations, echoes within family structures, resounds in society, resonates deep within me. I feel that I am both the perpetuator of sin and the victim of the consequences of sin. 

Another thing that I've realized these past 21 years is that God's grace is so marked in my life. I am someone who is acutely aware of my own sinfulness and brokenness and need for God's grace and healing. What is ugly and what is beautiful have been juxtaposed in my life and I am once again reminded of the power of the Gospel. I give my family to you, Lord. I give You the years to come and I surrender and lay down everything before You. 

And I'm thankful that I could end this day with another reminder of the Gospel.

playing with shapes, shadows + texture ! Mmmm :)

Tips on how to ID well.

First off, anyone who is 21 can buy alcohol and anyone who is 18 can buy tobacco products. The trick, however, lies in being able to well discern who is 21 and above and who is simply a youngster who looks old. Sometimes, it's easy to tell who is obviously old enough to drink, but after the little court incident, i've been kinda paranoid and have been asking for identification from just about everyone. some people are super chill about it - the best is when they give you their driver's license without  having been asked for it. then there are those "grown-ups" who seem to take offense and give you some attitude. the most annoying thing is when they don't have id and then you can't sell them anything, even though they're obviously old enough. and then they make you feel bad about it.

anyways, a guy came in wanting to buy alcohol and he didn't have id on him and i told him to come back with his id. he got annoyed and gave me some attitude, saying something along the lines of "really? you don't think i'm old enough?" i shrugged my shoulders and he walked out. it was awkward, to say the least. 

and then? the best part. my coworker, ricky, started his shift and he took over the cashier. an old lady who could have easily been my grandmother came in and wanted to buy a six-pack. ricky asked for her id and oh my gosh, her response and facial expression was the best. her facial expression, translated into something like this: "honey, you know i'm old enough and now you're rubbing it in." ricky told her it "it's the law" and she walked out of the store, grumbling. I pulled Mary, the owner, aside and could not stop laughing. heck, if i was that woman, i would take it as a compliment and show my id with a flourish. 

I love working at the Jade. I love Mary and the coworkers, who are gritty and funny and sassy. I pray that the Kingdom of God would be so present in this small niche of downtown Salt Lake City. The Kingdom of God - here now and inevitably seeping and taking hold of my heart. 

Oh yeah, and the tip to id'ing well? ID everyone - young men and old ladies alike. ;)

quick thankful list:
-my super chill microbio teacher and my classmates
-fresh produce at the Jade
-awesome testimony from yesterday's court experience
-Mary and Jade coworkers
-whenever class ends, I drive home listening to jazz music and it is the best. you must try an evening drive listening to jazz.
-i have recently become addicted to 'Friends' and cannot stop watching episodes of it
-homemade papingsoo with my mom - she loves papingsoo so much…
-reading the Gospel of Mark for my quiet time 

Before the Judge

This morning I woke up at 7:15, rolled out of bed, and drove down to the Salt Lake City Justice Court with Mary, the owner of Jade Market. I wish we were getting together for breakfast or something, but alas, we had a court date. I mentioned in a previous post that I needed prayer for this morning but didn't really go into a lot of detail. Here's a little context: I started working at the Jade in June; two weeks into the job, a customer came in and bought a six-pack. I asked for his id, and glancing down, saw that his birthday was 1993. It completely slipped my mind to check the month and hey, going by the year alone this guy was old enough to buy alcohol. Interestingly enough, as I was doing the transaction, I felt like the Holy Spirit was telling me to check his id again but in the moment, I let the feeling pass. He walked out, and before you knew it, in walked in two undercover ATF people. They told me that I had just sold to a minor, and my mouth dropped and I stood there stunned. They proceeded to take a picture, fingerprint me, and wrote out a citation. The guy that I had sold the alcohol to was working for them, probably making $15 an hour or something. Anyways, my heart sank and my coworker told me that I would probably get a $300 fine or something along those lines in addition to community service.

 Flash forward to this morning and Mary and I sat in a court along with other people who had committed petty crimes and misdemeanors and after what seemed like forever, my name was called and I walked up to the stand before the judge. To the side were the city prosecutors and one of them stood up and told me that if I pled guilty, the consequences would be a $905 fine. When he said that, my heart dropped. During this entire time, I became overwhelmed with thoughts of what it would be like to stand before God and have a list of sins that I could possibly not repay. It's true, at that moment when I stood before Judge Baxter, my heart sank because I was experiencing in a very real way the consequences of my actions (even though they were in no way intentional). I became overwhelmed with emotions, and couldn't hold back tears. I stood there and asked Judge Baxter if I could explain my circumstances, going on about how I was a student who had recently started the job and how selling alcohol products was new to me. I told him I was already volunteering at a free health clinic and that not looking at the month on the id was a mistake that would never happen. 

At that moment, the prosecutor stood up, and told the judge that they had reconsidered and that they would drop the fine down to $600 and that half of that could be repaid by doing 30 hours of community service at the clinic where I'm already volunteering. The remaining $300 was to be paid out of my pocket. The judge agreed that this was appropriate, considering my circumstances. Ultimately, $600 had been expunged and at that moment, I was a recipient of mercy.

The consequences of certain actions require monetary payment, most likely community service and maybe a bad record. The consequences of sin before a Holy God required something more and that something more wasn't something that I could just scrounge up out of my wallet. The consequences of my sin required that I die and experience eternal separation from God. Just like mercy and grace was given to me at today's court appearance, God gave his Son to die for me in my place. I cannot grasp the enormity of this but I do believe that today's experience gave me a firsthand glimpse of God's love and grace. 

As Mary and I walked out of the courtroom, she turned to me and told me that she would pay for the remainder of the fine. All of a sudden, I went from having a debt of almost a thousand dollars to nothing. Today, I was lavished with reminders of how good God is to me and how he is with me, taking care of every crazy incident that seems to fall into my lap. 

Anyways, I'm now pretty much a Nazi (think soup Nazi from Seinfeld haha) when it comes to checking people's id. I don't care if they give me sass - I'm definitely not going to go through this again in my life.

God is good, and he takes care of those who trust in Him. He is active, moving the hearts of man - he is supreme over all things and rules over earthly figures of authority.