The Shades Between You and I

My perception has become steadily amorphous over time,
folding in and out of itself, ballooning
stubbornly through cracks
and allowing glimpses into reality.
If only evil and good could be easily
sketched out, shaken up, and redrawn -
my entire being exists not along lines or boundaries
but rather the washed up sighs and sorrows of somewhere in-between
black and white spaces.

It is in my fickleness that I cannot decide where to mark
my boundaries - it is in your mercy (חֶ֫סֶד)
that you can read
between
the lines.

I am guilty of knowledge
that has gone to waste, and my palms are
etched with psalms and the cries
of brothers and sisters who still strive to define
the lines of good
and evil.

Thankful List

-Sleeping in until 10:30
-Spending the morning with Jesus
-Catching up with Abby over the phone
-Catching up with my sister over the phone
-The prayer room at the health center
-Tiffany, one of the Princeton interns who not only has cool interests like surfing but also stayed at the Shelter Jordan in Amsterdam the same year I was working there (!!!)
-Chloe, another intern from Wheaton who I've gotten to know - her sweetness and thoughtfulness is lovely. She also doesn't hesitate at laughing at my awkward moments aka moments when I'm in a moment and think no one is watching...
-Next month's QT, which is on Ephesians and Proverbs (I mean, I love 2 Kings but ya know..., you can never get enough of Proverbs).
-Chump money that I get from child-sitting at the providers' meetings.
-After much deliberation, I have chosen to be the Complex Care Coordinator at the Homan site - I start on Monday and will finally be getting my own caseload of patients.
-Spending the day with Lena, Erica, and Chloe. Delicious summer evenings walking around Wicker Park and getting dessert at Black Dog Gelato.
-Laughing about doughnut hoarders...
-Community
-Corn bread

Melancholia

As much as this season is characterized by joy and thankfulness, I cannot deny that there is another side, one that has lingered and carried on from past seasons. And it's true that internally, I can't push aside the melancholia that surfaces from time to time - old fears paralyze me and I feel like I am trapped in a self-constructed cage. I remember when I was freed of my past and my chains. Love greater than anything I have experienced cast out fears and I felt free.

A few days ago, I sat before the Lord burnt out and told Him that if He wanted to use me for His ministry, He would have to show me how to walk through this season, this season of me facing myself.  My faith is small. My confidence in the Lord to do great things regarding healing has dwindled - I have let my confidence in the Lord die down. Here's a thought: perhaps lack of confidence is linked to disobedience. In my mind, it makes sense because there are patterns of disobedience that I have fallen into in the last six months or so. Disobedience inevitably suggests lack of trust. 

In a season as beautiful as this, I know that I must yield and allow the Lord to shape me and smooth out all the kinks that I feel are ingrained in my personality. I feel like a small child - scared and unsure, but I am tired of remaining in this place.

**EDIT -

Happiness is overrated, joy is not.
Good times should not be solely associated with happiness and sadness with that of "bad times."
IT IS OKAY TO ACKNOWLEDGE THE BEAUTY OF A SEASON AND YET STRUGGLE WITH GRIEF OR SADNESS.
And yet, joy is constant - because the Lord is here.

Dusk&Delight

i am an intruder, looking out upon a magical scene.
dusk softens hard edges and i see (i see)
shimmering, glimmering lights
that fit within the curvature that is my perspective.

i assume that reality cannot be this whimsical,
and yet this is no figment of my imagination.
perhaps it is in limbo that we see ephemeral things.
tonight (tonight), i dance with lightning bugs.