Melancholia

As much as this season is characterized by joy and thankfulness, I cannot deny that there is another side, one that has lingered and carried on from past seasons. And it's true that internally, I can't push aside the melancholia that surfaces from time to time - old fears paralyze me and I feel like I am trapped in a self-constructed cage. I remember when I was freed of my past and my chains. Love greater than anything I have experienced cast out fears and I felt free.

A few days ago, I sat before the Lord burnt out and told Him that if He wanted to use me for His ministry, He would have to show me how to walk through this season, this season of me facing myself.  My faith is small. My confidence in the Lord to do great things regarding healing has dwindled - I have let my confidence in the Lord die down. Here's a thought: perhaps lack of confidence is linked to disobedience. In my mind, it makes sense because there are patterns of disobedience that I have fallen into in the last six months or so. Disobedience inevitably suggests lack of trust. 

In a season as beautiful as this, I know that I must yield and allow the Lord to shape me and smooth out all the kinks that I feel are ingrained in my personality. I feel like a small child - scared and unsure, but I am tired of remaining in this place.

**EDIT -

Happiness is overrated, joy is not.
Good times should not be solely associated with happiness and sadness with that of "bad times."
IT IS OKAY TO ACKNOWLEDGE THE BEAUTY OF A SEASON AND YET STRUGGLE WITH GRIEF OR SADNESS.
And yet, joy is constant - because the Lord is here.