When Trouble Comes Your Way

These past few weeks have been hard. I have broken down at work, I have tried to cope with waves of melancholy, and have tried to love people. I have failed.

Let me rewind and provide some more context:

A couple of weeks ago, I experienced firsthand corruption at the workplace. For some reason, God allowed me to see things and hear things and I have carried the weight of broken systems and individual decisions and actions. I went through days wrestling with why God allowed this particular situation to fall into my lap and what my role was in all of this, what the consequences of human actions would be on both a macro level and a micro, personal level. I ended up confronting the individuals involved and experienced firsthand the disappointment of being lied to. Still, I wanted to provide a space where my coworkers could own up to their actions. Still, I want to see my friend in the light of how God has created her, and not in the light of her faults and broken actions and decisions. 

How is it possible that God is a God of justice and a God of love? Applied to my life, I am unable to bridge the gap with my own cross. I am more prone to condemn when the law is broken. And it's not just condemnation of the individuals involved, but condemnation of myself (because I too am unjust and imperfect). The realization of this caused me to start crying during a meeting I had at work, and I abruptly excused myself to go to the bathroom.. 

I have had numerous conversations with my housemates regarding this particular incident and I don't think I will ever forget looking at Hannah and telling her with tears streaming down my face the difficulty of loving like Jesus. Somehow, I need to have simple confidence in the Lord's intentionality in all of this. There's a reason why he placed me at Homan. There's a reason why he has grown my relationship with this particular coworker. There's a reason why he is allowing me to go through all of this. 

I woke up early one morning and started crying for my coworker. Our relationship may never be the same; after all, trust is crucial in any relationship. The comfort of the relationship is one that has been disturbed, and I sense that there is no going back. I wasn't crying for all of these things, however. I was crying because in that moment, I saw her in the light of God's love - a beautiful person with so much life and generosity. A person redeemed and bought with the blood of Christ.  I don't know of any good ending to this blog post - there is no clean-cut resolution that has materialized and I cannot guarantee that the hardship surrounding this incident can be cleanly wiped away. A part of me wants to - needs to - surrender it to God. A part of me wants to embrace the hardship because I know that God is allowing me to see my weaknesses and perhaps is drawing me closer to the cross.