Thankful List

-Tene and her strength
-15 minute breaks spent in the prayer room w/ Cali
-Conversations that bring clarity (conversations with Meesh)
-Asparagus
-Praying with Vanessa daily
- Articles in the New Yorker (check out http://www.newyorker.com/magazine/2011/01/03/sweet-revolution)


Goals :
- To intentionally wake up every single morning and make the decision to live each day for God.
- I want to be more aware of the fact that I am surrounded by people who are products of God's goodness and glory.
- To spend more time loving God and other people.

to live each day knowing my heart's desire has been fulfilled.

A Poem of Lament

A Poem of Lament (in which I lament my inability to fully love God and love others)

I have failed you
when you walk into the room
timidly asking for a meal and perhaps something more.
The swipe of a credit card and an impatient heart
and our interaction falls short of doxology.

I have failed you
in my inability to see you even as you squint at the menu and
murmur that you cannot see well.
I am the one guilty of lack of sight; you are the one
in which His glory is manifest.

I have failed You
reminiscent of Peter and mournful of acts of betrayal.
My faith falls short; my hands bleed red
on the eve of divine Crucifixion.

you are more than enough.

Based off of Exodus 36:

O God, we are gathered here this day, to declare that we love you and say that we are grateful for you

We gather to say you are more than enough

More than enough. That you, God of the heavens and the earth, would dwell with us, even for a moment

It would be more than enough

If your grace, mercy, love, forgiveness, and compassion ceased tomorrow, if we never received another blessing from you, we would still know that

You are more than enough

In our brokenness

You mend us

In our ugliness

You delight in us

Though we reject you

You accept us

Though our faith is so brittle

You remain faithful

You are more than enough

You are more than enough

You are “able to do far more abundantly than all that we ask or think”

You empower us through the Holy Spirit

You do more than enough

Our cups overflow

They overflow with a love and hope undeserved

May we not sit as idle wells, as reservoirs never used. But rather,

May we pour ourselves out for your Kingdom

For the Shalom of our communities, with generous hearts, out of abundance in you,

May we bring our gifts, our resources, and our lives to be a part of building your Kingdom, for your glory, now and forevermore. Amen.

And yet, I would not trade this past year and the relationships that stretched my heart. it is with gratitude that i surrender these relationships to the Lord - i realize that every single friendship is a gift from Him and that everything has its season. and I realize that the ache that i feel can only be filled by Him. I cannot deny that He has blessed me with beautiful friendships and I trust that He will continue to be glorified in relationships that have yet to come into existence.

Seasons Change

She beamed at me, and told me that she was back in school studying mortuary science.

I paused, and asked her why she wanted to work in a cemetery.

She looked at me and said, "Grace, it's because dead people can't hurt you."

I did not know what to say; I only knew that in that instant, the weight of her words caused my breath to catch. 

I am in a season of transition, and am preparing to say my goodbyes to the various people who are leaving lawndale for back home, for med school, for PA school. I have seen God open my heart, and I have seen myself love the people around me to the best of my ability. And now they are getting ready to leave, and I am left with a heart that feels too heavy in my chest. Too many instances, too many moments of joy, one too many a tear and laugh and now I feel the consequences of a heart that cannot possibly say goodbye. People are not replaceable - this is something that I have learned living in Lawndale. I have attempted to savor the present relationships and now I must face the empty spaces. And this is something that I have always feared - perhaps it stems from the aftermath of a father who walked out when I was one years old. 

I think … my favorite room at the health center is the exam room. How can I capture and adequately describe the moments when I am able to see glimpses of the Kingdom of God? I see it in the testimony of the men and women I meet with in the space of these rooms. I yearn for it when hope is but a faint glimmer. And yet, I hold onto that glimmer fervently. The Kingdom of God - it is not an ephemeral reality but one that reverberates and radiates forth from Jesus. The tension of Kingdom now and Kingdom come is perhaps a double-edged sword: I have the honor of being used by Christ and to partake in Kingdom ministry here on earth; yet, it is all done quite brokenly and imperfectly. My prayer for greater hunger for the Lord, for my eyes and heart to see Heaven on earth, for repentance and for humility. To be able to love extravagantly and continue to walk with Jesus.

this morning i got all four of my wisdom teeth taken out. as i groggily opened my eyes after the procedure in the exam room i couldn't stop crying - i blame it on the sedation. as i sat there in a state of semi-consciousness, the thought kept crossing my mind that I don't love God enough or give Him the love that He deserves. I wept thinking that thought and thinking about how I don't love my patients enough. My love is finite, but Your love is boundless. i might have concerned rachel at this point haha. also! i guess this isn't out of the ordinary - most girls cry when coming out of sedation. Boys usually laugh. Why is that?

things i am thankful for today:
-rachel who i was able to have this amazing conversation with as i waited in the lobby at the oral surgeon's office
-falling more in love with the people around me
-god teaching me that people are not replaceable
-small group last night //inductive bible study - we are currently looking at James and we spent a good few hours unpacking the first 17 verses.
-James
-scripture // i find myself growing more and more in love with the Word of God and prayer
-meesh coming home early from work and putting gauze in my mouth and spending time with me

It is an honor to open my eyes and ask for Your Kingdom come today.