some thoughts on hope

Today was a very joyful day because I got to meet with one of my favorite patients, a person I consider my spiritual father because of his wisdom, life experience, and personal walk with the Lord. I wrote about this patient in a previous blog post - when he was younger, he murdered a man and was supposed to have received the death penalty. For some reason (thank goodness), he was spared his life and instead spent decades in prison. At one point during his imprisonment, he encountered Jesus intimately and radically and gave His life to the Lord. During today's visit (which always exceeds the average patient visit), this patient and I talked about hope. Hope is a funny thing, it is intangible and abstract and yet, it has the power to sustain and carry us through the darkest of times. For this patient, when he met the Lord, he still had 19 years to serve in prison. Yet, he looked at me and said that during this time, his hope in the Lord grew with each passing year.

We continued talking, and he talked about how oftentimes, prisoners were given mail from the outside world. He looked at me and stated, "Grace, I never received any mail but I was okay with that because I received the greatest news when I met Christ." Eyes sparkling, he continued, saying "The Lord wrote me and my entire existence."

In addition to meeting with this dear mentor, I had my appointment with behavioral health and caught her up to speed on recent events, specifically my recent interaction and heartbreak over what happened between my dad and I on Father's Day. As devastating as that interaction was, God redeemed the day in the form of ministering to me through Christian community. Dr. Palmer pointed out that my Heavenly Father came to my aid and showed me His perfect Fatherly love on this day. It's true - the Lord meets my deepest hurts and deepest needs and satisfies me. I am truly thankful because when I look back on that day, the love that I experienced in the most painful moment will have sapped the bitterness ensuing from the conversation that I had with my father.

Dr. Palmer and I continued to process together and I told her that the winds were shifting and that this season was changing. Since Father's day, I have felt more at peace and more joyful in surrendering my relationship with my dad to the Lord. I have realized that the Lord needs to be my everything. He wants all of me and I want to give Him all of me. Complete surrender. I recognize that my relationship with my dad has never had a stable foundation - it has always been resting on straw and in this last interaction, the straw holding up our relationship was completely incinerated. God allowed this conversation to happen, and I believe and trust that it is because the Lord wants to renew this relationship by starting with putting down a more secure and authentic foundation. I do not know when and how or even what this will entail, but I trust that it is in the Lord's hands. He is the worker of miracles and I trust that in His timing, my relationship with my dad will be a beautiful thing.

Hope is a curious thing. I cannot smell it, hear it, see it, taste it. And yet, it has the power to sustain. As a daughter of Christ and a follower of Christ, I have full access to the hope that Christ offers. What a crazy, beautiful gift.