Pursuit

These few weeks have been a blur of trying to fill up the time before classes start - it's been an interesting limbo period and I've been trying to fill it up with volunteering at Breakthrough Shelter preparing and serving food to the homeless men, volunteering for various Slow Food events, transcribing the Lawndale interviews that Tiff did while she was living in Chicago working at the health center, trying to get settled into Troy house and already feeling such deep connections and affections for the girls I live with (it seems that we are all in a season of life where guy-girl dating relationships have become a platform upon which to learn more about ourselves and grow as women of God, and don't get me wrong, also make mistakes - all the while we desire to make such experiences (one-on-one dates and perhaps eventually more intimate relationships) Christ-centered and worshipful. So, yeah.

I realize that I have walls and usually am quick to bypass the rejection sandwich, which my housemate Kali, smilingly defined as affirming your date, kindly being straightforward in your lack of interest in a romantic relationship, and then slipping in another affirmation. Delightful - I did not know that such a thing existed. But sadly, what I find that I have been dishing out these days are rather knuckle sandwiches - I don't mean to, but the people around me have pointed out that I'm quick to overshoot and take matters into my hands probably a bit too soon. Again, walls. Deep inside, I am scared of abandonment and I would rather walk the other way, run in the opposite direction, vanish into thin air than experience abandonment. 

Perhaps the emptiness I have been feeling these past few weeks is what pushed me to drive to Chicago Tabernacle last night. I couldn't stop crying in the car and then when I was at Chicago Tabernacle there was an altar call and I found myself pushing my way to the front, again snot-nosed and tears falling down my face. Brokenness. Christ, I cannot turn to men for validation or love. Man alone cannot repair or restore my brokenness. The temptation to seek intimate relationships for any female is always there - but what draws me to the cross tonight is a resounding affirmation that you, Christ, will never abandon me. 

Obedience is simply saying yes to God's heart. Obedience is faith in action. Obedience defies emotions and places God rightfully on the throne in my heart. Obedience is setting me free, it is filling my heart with joy, and providing a space where the Holy Spirit can take me deeper and deeper still.

You Pull Me

I just finished listening to Pastor Furtick's sermon, 'The Power of the Pull' and upon finishing the sermon, something in me caused me to grab my laptop and open this blog, something that I have not done for the past few months. Why have I not written? Because I have to a certain extent gotten caught up in the undulations of good days and bad days and the progress towards healing has been an arduous and painful one. Faith is no silly thing, and I have to remind myself on a daily basis that I live by faith, and not by emotions or sight.

Yesterday, some of the people who attended the Global Medical Missions Conference back in the fall met up at Lisa Werner's house and fellowshipped over a very global, very savory meal. As I worshipped and prayed with the group, something deep within my soul awoke and I was reminded that God has a dream for me that I can barely even begin to fathom. There is a certain population out there in the world that He has specifically created me to serve.  I don't know what country and I don't know when, but I know that it is destined to happen and it's definitely been a source of hope during this season of life. Going back to the sermon, I was encouraged listening to it because Furtick talks about how God never pushes us; rather, in every season of life, he tugs on our hearts and pulls us closer to Him. Slowly, slowly He is pulling me into the dream He has for my life.

Some updates:

-I have started memorizing scripture and have found listening to sermons during my long runs incredibly refreshing/edifying.
-I applied to RUSH school of nursing and should be hearing back regarding whether or not I got accepted by this Friday.
-I am leaving for Europe next month to see my mentor at YWAM Lausanne - I'll be there for a good 18 days and I think we're going to be traveling to Italy, Germany, and the Czech Republic.