Pursuit

These few weeks have been a blur of trying to fill up the time before classes start - it's been an interesting limbo period and I've been trying to fill it up with volunteering at Breakthrough Shelter preparing and serving food to the homeless men, volunteering for various Slow Food events, transcribing the Lawndale interviews that Tiff did while she was living in Chicago working at the health center, trying to get settled into Troy house and already feeling such deep connections and affections for the girls I live with (it seems that we are all in a season of life where guy-girl dating relationships have become a platform upon which to learn more about ourselves and grow as women of God, and don't get me wrong, also make mistakes - all the while we desire to make such experiences (one-on-one dates and perhaps eventually more intimate relationships) Christ-centered and worshipful. So, yeah.

I realize that I have walls and usually am quick to bypass the rejection sandwich, which my housemate Kali, smilingly defined as affirming your date, kindly being straightforward in your lack of interest in a romantic relationship, and then slipping in another affirmation. Delightful - I did not know that such a thing existed. But sadly, what I find that I have been dishing out these days are rather knuckle sandwiches - I don't mean to, but the people around me have pointed out that I'm quick to overshoot and take matters into my hands probably a bit too soon. Again, walls. Deep inside, I am scared of abandonment and I would rather walk the other way, run in the opposite direction, vanish into thin air than experience abandonment. 

Perhaps the emptiness I have been feeling these past few weeks is what pushed me to drive to Chicago Tabernacle last night. I couldn't stop crying in the car and then when I was at Chicago Tabernacle there was an altar call and I found myself pushing my way to the front, again snot-nosed and tears falling down my face. Brokenness. Christ, I cannot turn to men for validation or love. Man alone cannot repair or restore my brokenness. The temptation to seek intimate relationships for any female is always there - but what draws me to the cross tonight is a resounding affirmation that you, Christ, will never abandon me.