I realize that I have walls and usually am quick to bypass the rejection sandwich, which my housemate Kali, smilingly defined as affirming your date, kindly being straightforward in your lack of interest in a romantic relationship, and then slipping in another affirmation. Delightful - I did not know that such a thing existed. But sadly, what I find that I have been dishing out these days are rather knuckle sandwiches - I don't mean to, but the people around me have pointed out that I'm quick to overshoot and take matters into my hands probably a bit too soon. Again, walls. Deep inside, I am scared of abandonment and I would rather walk the other way, run in the opposite direction, vanish into thin air than experience abandonment.
Perhaps the emptiness I have been feeling these past few weeks is what pushed me to drive to Chicago Tabernacle last night. I couldn't stop crying in the car and then when I was at Chicago Tabernacle there was an altar call and I found myself pushing my way to the front, again snot-nosed and tears falling down my face. Brokenness. Christ, I cannot turn to men for validation or love. Man alone cannot repair or restore my brokenness. The temptation to seek intimate relationships for any female is always there - but what draws me to the cross tonight is a resounding affirmation that you, Christ, will never abandon me.
