Broken Vessels

As a nursing student, one of the most consistent thoughts I have is how I represent Christ to my peers and friends from school. I think my biggest fear is that I will misrepresent Christ or inaccurately portray Him because of my anxiety and well, my other flaws that tend to surface every now and again. It's not that I want to come across as a perfect Christian - far be it. It's that people will see me and think that Christ is not for them. In all my associations with my non-Christian friends, my deep desire is that they would have Christ to lean on during the highs and lows that life will inevitably throw at them. It's that they would know that deep suffering can be experienced alongside a Savior who suffered likewise and that deep joy can be truly encountered with Christ. And that everything in-between becomes precious and sacred when experienced in the midst of a person who loves and is love.

A few days ago, I had a conversation with an acquaintance from school and he pointed out that he noticed that it seemed like I was doing much better and that it seemed like I was going through a rough patch earlier this year. True. And then he asked me if during that time, I was having a crisis of faith. Wait, what? My worst fears came true in that moment and with a sinking heart, thoughts like "Grace, people see you struggling and they don't want what you have. You are your worst enemy, and it shows." I quickly processed his question, and answered that on the contrary, it was my faith that acted as a buffer. I responded with those words, but my thoughts remained bouncing around in my head.

Discouragement. This is what I felt walking away from my conversation with my peer. And yet, I had a conversation with my roommate this morning where I talked to her about this conversation and she insightfully pointed out that when Christ walked on this earth, even he was misunderstood. Christ was and is the utmost perfect representative of God, and yet he was misunderstood. Wow. A lightbulb went off in my head and I breathed a huge sigh of relief. I, on the other hand, am a flawed and broken representative of Christ - of course people will misunderstand me. This is a given. So what now?  I plan to press in to Him even more, with all of my messiness and brokenness and with a little more peace on my end. At the end of the day, my job is to simply love Christ and love others and let the Holy Spirit move in the hearts of people who don't have a personal relationship with Christ. The saving work is on His end, and I gladly relinquish image control and the Savior complex that has somehow insidiously crept into my working definition of what it means to be a Christian.