Seeker

Captured Liz making some moves  

I was waffling - to go to prayer night at Chicago Tabernacle or stay home and stay out of the cold, windy elements that have sadly hit Chicago so soon in the season? Usually, I'm all for prayer night and it has turned into routine for me to make the half-hour drive up to Avondale, but I found myself in my room deliberating if I should just stay home and take a shower and light a candle.

At the heart of my pause I realized that I was carrying a small thought that had creeped up on me: "Is the drive up really going to be worth it? Is the Lord really going to meet me tonight?"

I decided to stop grumbling and forced myself to put on my coat.

As I made my way out the door, Alison said, "Grace, it's going to be worth it. There hasn't been a time when it hasn't been refreshing."

Fast-forward half an hour and I found myself being ushered down the aisle into a seat near the front. I had gotten to the church a bit earlier than expected, and the worship team was warming up and I realized that I was sitting in front of a middle-aged man who has a wonderful tendency to gesticulate emphatically when worshipping (he too is a regular prayer night attendee - I usually sit a few rows behind him). As I sat down, he stood up and started to sing and worship the Lord and his voice was audible in the semi-quiet room.

This man was ministering to the Lord like he was the only one in the room - little did he know that the Lord was using him to minister to my heart. Something in my heart caught and the Lord spoke to me. "Grace, this man is worshipping me with his heart and it is so incredibly pleasing to me." I found myself wanting what this man has with the Lord. Or rather, I found myself drawn to want even more in my own personal relationship God.

As I grow in my relationship with Christ, I realize that even though I don't "feel it" in the moment, expectation rooted in the Lord's character has grown in me and I can step forward expecting that the Lord honors those who pursue him and seek him and desire to encounter him. And you know what? It's always worth it.

I pray that the Lord would continue to grow faith in me and that this faith would shadow moments when I stumble, when I doubt or grumble, when brokenness is evident. And I pray for the man sitting behind me, that his relationship with God would only grow richer and deeper with time and that it would cause others to pause and yearn for more.

In the midst of a busy season, one devastating incident caused us all to come to a forced halt this past Wednesday and grieve and mourn. I was upstairs doing my quiet time and heard someone open the front door and the heart-jarring sound of Sam crying floated up the stairs. I ran downstairs to see Emily and Grace standing next to Sam and slowly I pieced together what had happened. Sam's 20-year old cousin had committed suicide. We stood around Sam, confused and sad and unable to comprehend the enormity of death and especially death caused by suicide. We prayed in the capacity that we were able to (because really, isn't death a wordless circumstance? One that leaves you bewildered and shocked to the core?). Sam left for the suburbs to be with her family, and the rest of us tried to go about our days. Last night, I came home to see everyone in the living room, and we spent some time praying and just simply being with each other. God, my community is in pain. God, my friend and dear sister is in pain and I don't understand why suicide is something you permit. I pray that in the confusion and the anger and the denial, that Sam and her family would experience your love and your presence. Lord, come.

The Call

This year, I got to go to the Global Missions Health Conference with a group of people from Lawndale Christian Health Center. I had gone previously two years ago and forgot that during the last plenary session, there is an altar call where people go to the front and drop their commitment cards on the world map. Claude Hickman spoke at the last session, and he talked about how some moments are more special than others. Claude spoke about various moments in history when God touched the hearts of individuals, and they responded to him and became missionaries and martyrs and basically lived with reckless abandon serving the Lord. Towards the end of his talk, the worship band came on stage and started playing and I sat in my seat, heart beating wildly. Tears started to fall down, and I looked up and saw that old-time missionaries and seasoned healthcare professionals and young students were making their way to the stage to commit their lives to the Lord. I saw Megan up on the stage, and my heart grew so warm. How do I describe what I felt as I looked out at the body of Christ, at individuals laying down their lives and choosing to follow Christ? Tears continued to fall and I found myself making my way up to the stage, commitment card clenched in my hand. It's true that I had no idea where I was going to place my commitment card - I don't know what part of the world the Lord is going to call me to. But as I made my way up the stairs towards the stage, my body began to tremble and the intensity of my crying increased by about ten-fold - I can only describe the next few moments as the Holy Spirit within me interceding for the nations, particularly for the nation that the Lord is going to call me to serve.

I don't think I will ever forget what happened on the stage - I felt this irresistible pull towards East Africa/the Middle East region and my heart continued to beat rapidly as I walked over and dropped my card down. I walked back to my seat, crying and crying because this is what usually happens to me when the Holy Spirit touches my heart and when I encounter the Lord: I turn into a broken fire hydrant.

More than finding the answers to my questions regarding the future, I delight in experiencing the Lord and experiencing affirmations from Him regarding missions. It doesn't matter where or when - I know that He is in the entire process and that ultimately, I am living out His will for my life.