when I'm sad, I write

so here goes.

The interview at Rush Oak Park Hospital last week left me confused. doubtful. flustered. down.
All my insecurities of why I put nursing on the back-burner these past few months were only amplified as I set foot in the hospital and began to intensify as my interviewer (the nursing supervisor) grilled me on a variety of nursing and patient-related questions. To be fair, the questions she asked me were all relevant and I probably should have been better prepared going into this first interview. For the most part, I was able to answer most of her questions; still, I found the heat creeping up my neck and into my face as I blanked on a few of the more important ones. Maybe I was super tired from working the opening shifts the previous day and also earlier that morning, but the overall interview left me feeling a bit dejected and deflated. I am scared to be a nurse aka I am scared of the unknown and the challenges that being a new nurse will bring. I know that there is a bigger calling on my life to go abroad but I also know that I need to experience being a nurse in a hospital stateside before I leave. Why am I being so resistant to the process? A better question I need to pose is: is the so-called "process" something I am trying to control or am I letting God take the reign? Maybe I'm not meant to work in a hospital as an in-patient nurse right now in this season. Maybe I am. I dunno. Thus, the confusion and fogginess.

I had a dream the other night where I was at the airport and was frantically trying to board my flight to get to my destination (for some reason the destination in my dream was South Korea - I think it probably refers to my desire to go abroad). In my dream, I was trying to navigate the airport to check-in my bags and get through security but I kept getting lost in what appeared to be a maze. I kept getting this sense that I had missed my flight. Interesting, right? Seems pretty reflective of my internal state.

God, wow, I really need you. I need you today. Would you meet me in my emotions, my doubt, my fear and insecurities? My resistance to you is rooted in a lack of trust in your great sovereignty and your great goodness and desire to see me flourish, regardless of what season I'm in. Help me to once again open my palms and surrender to you and your plan for my life. Help me to surrender the doubt and uncertainty. The unknown.