Love Holds No Record

These are the words that turned my stomach upside-down as I live-streamed my church's service via zoom this Sunday. We have been going through a series on forgiveness and I was so convicted, primarily because I realized just how far I have been from reflecting the love of Christ. My track list of how I've wronged the Lord is a running list, and yet, the Lord does not hold it against me. He forgave me at the Cross, and he continues to forgive me. If this is the reality of my existence, who am I to expect the people around me to be perfect? They will not be; they will never be. I recently read an article by Henri Nouwen called Moving from Solitude to Community to Ministry - in it he talks about how forgiveness is "to allow the other person not to be God". The truth is I keep mental track records, and the longest one pertains to my dad. For the longest time, I have moved through life assessing and tracking his ability to fulfill his role as my father. For the longest time, I have held unto the past, and allowed it to cling unto me and shape my present reality and relationships.

I realize that even as I acknowledge that I have been wronged by my dad I cannot allow that to prevent me from forgiving him. I acknowledge that he hasn't been a great father and has been absent for most of my life. But I also acknowledge that he is less than perfect; he is not God and cannot fill the emptiness I at times feel. Only God can do that, and he is faithful in his endeavors of pursing me moment-by-moment.

For the first time in many many years, I sent my dad a text last night asking if he was doing okay. We exchanged a few texts, and even though it wasn't a full-blown conversation, I trust that the Lord is in the process.

https://entermission.typepad.com/my_weblog/files/moving_from_solitude_to_community_to_ministry_henri_nouwen.pdf

http://thenewcom.com/sermons/2020-03-22/relationship-repair-pt-2/

I Can't, But You Can

I can't follow you wholeheartedly (breathe in)
But you can empower me to do so with the help of the Holy Spirit (breathe out)

I can't love my friends and family sacrificially (breathe in)
But you can fill me with your love and overflow to those around me (breathe out)

I am unable to lead my lifegroup/microgroup perfectly (breathe in)
But you are fully capable of using weakness for your glory (breathe out)

I do not know what my first nursing job will look like (breathe in)
But you know and will furthermore help me and be with me (breathe out)

I am prone to wander, my heart is fickle and I fail to fully trust you (breathe in)
You fully understand and meet me exactly where I'm at (breathe out)

I am a sinner and have a frustrating tendency to walk away from you (breathe in)
You continue to pursue me relentlessly, all the while calling me beloved (breathe out)


Thankful list:
-Last Friday I got to meet with Jane and Susie and I'm so thankful because I got to have a great conversation with Jane and she really ministered to my heart

-Shannon invited me to check out Worship With Friends and it was seriously such a powerful night of worship and prayer.

-Saturday's ski trip with people from lifegroup. Wow. It was such a beautiful day - the sun was out and felt warm on the slopes. I went from screaming my head off on the bunny hill to skiing like a champ on the green and blue slopes (mind you, I think the level of difficulty doesn't quite fully translate equally over to Utah slopes). My friend Blair casually commented that I went from "zero to hero." I'm super excited to ski this upcoming winter in Salt Lake with my sister and her boyfriend. We ended the day by getting seolleongtang at Han Bat and it hit ! the ! spot ! Especially the Korean instant coffee after, which brought a lot of nostalgia and memories of my study abroad in Seoul.

-Last night, a group of women from church met up and we had the Peking duck dinner at Sun Wah and I'm so thankful that I got to catch up and get to know better some of the women outside my lifegroup. We went and got boba after and my heart felt so full of community/fellowship.

Thank you for these good gifts, Lord.