These are the words that turned my stomach upside-down as I live-streamed my church's service via zoom this Sunday. We have been going through a series on forgiveness and I was so convicted, primarily because I realized just how far I have been from reflecting the love of Christ. My track list of how I've wronged the Lord is a running list, and yet, the Lord does not hold it against me. He forgave me at the Cross, and he continues to forgive me. If this is the reality of my existence, who am I to expect the people around me to be perfect? They will not be; they will never be. I recently read an article by Henri Nouwen called Moving from Solitude to Community to Ministry - in it he talks about how forgiveness is "to allow the other person not to be God". The truth is I keep mental track records, and the longest one pertains to my dad. For the longest time, I have moved through life assessing and tracking his ability to fulfill his role as my father. For the longest time, I have held unto the past, and allowed it to cling unto me and shape my present reality and relationships.
I realize that even as I acknowledge that I have been wronged by my dad I cannot allow that to prevent me from forgiving him. I acknowledge that he hasn't been a great father and has been absent for most of my life. But I also acknowledge that he is less than perfect; he is not God and cannot fill the emptiness I at times feel. Only God can do that, and he is faithful in his endeavors of pursing me moment-by-moment.
For the first time in many many years, I sent my dad a text last night asking if he was doing okay. We exchanged a few texts, and even though it wasn't a full-blown conversation, I trust that the Lord is in the process.
https://entermission.typepad.com/my_weblog/files/moving_from_solitude_to_community_to_ministry_henri_nouwen.pdf
http://thenewcom.com/sermons/2020-03-22/relationship-repair-pt-2/
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