Shotgun Conversations

I was driving home from work today and I had a conversation with the Lord that went something like this:

grace: "lord, following you is really hard. it's not that I'm less of a sinner, it's the reality that I become more sensitive to my sinful heart as I grow in relationship with you. Sometimes, I feel that it would be better to live in ignorant bliss of my divided heart. I am unable to follow you wholeheartedly."

god: "but grace, whenever you fall (which won't stop anytime soon), you always turn back to me."

grace: "you're right.. but lord, sometimes I feel like a hypocrite. I don't walk the walk. I talk a lot."

god: "I promise that as you continue to turn to me, I'll be the one to change you."

This is the God I serve. I glorify the Lord in this moment because the truth of the reality is, I am unable to change myself and my heart. My heart is deceptive; it deceives me and I realize that I can't fully trust it. The process is entirely in God's hands; my role is to simply come before him again and again whenever I fall short. 

It's not that I'm religious or righteous or a condemned sinner. I am first and foremost a beloved daughter of the King. And that is an identity I can accept wholeheartedly. 

This Mystery

help me understand
the process of hearts softening
hearts responding
to seismic shifts
impossible by might

help me to understand
the minutia; the extraordinary
instance of a heart turned
and inclined towards you

help me understand
the process of unseen grace
that propels lives in different trajectories
and initiates pilgrimages that extend far beyond
seen horizons

Fruits of the Spirit

But the fruit of the Spirit is love, joy, peace, patience, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, gentleness, self-control; against such things there is no law. -Galatians 5:22-23 

I wonder what would happen if I prayed more earnestly for the aforementioned fruits of the Spirit? My love is wanting; my joy, peace, patience, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, gentleness, self-control  are all minimal at best. 

What if I stopped praying for and asking the Lord for temporary pleasures and asked for greater treasures like deeper love, greater joy and peace, self-control in areas where I overindulge?

I would be a different person than the one I am today. Man, I can just see it in my mind's eye: a Grace that is so drawn to the Lord and is filled over and over with His love and loves people radically. A Grace that is filled with a joy that is not simply emotional or contextual, but rooted in the Gospel. A Grace that enjoys gifts from the Lord, but knows when to set boundaries and turn to the Lord for ultimate satisfaction. Even as I write this, I know that to some degree, these things are all true. But wow, I want more. I need more. And I know it is out of God's faithfulness to pour out these gifts upon me. All I need to do is ask. 

When I Despair

When I despair over my pride, my selfishness, my neediness, my inability to love well,
help me to turn to you. Help me to desperately run to you.