Speak into the Void

* "In the beginning, God created the heavens and the earth. The earth was without form and void, and darkness was over the face of the deep. And the Spirit of God was hovering over the face of the waters." -Genesis 1:1-2

My roommate drew my attention to this formidable passage, and the ensuing writing is based off of our conversation this afternoon. As of late, I find myself wrestling internally with the void that I feel at times, a void that seems infinite in its inability to be satisfied or filled. Sure, I can throw all sorts of things into the chasm, whether it be occupying myself and having a busy schedule or buying things I don't need. The list goes on. The most insidious part of it all? I have to admit that there is a lie that I have chosen to believe that God can't possibly satisfy me. There is a lie that I am not worthy of love because why then did my dad leave? Why then does he maintain distance? Why is he still absent, even after 26 years? I am left to my own devices. I am left to push against the boundaries of God's grace and mercy with this this line of thought: if I push just enough, then will you continue to love me? Because Lord, if you stopped pursing me, then things would make sense. I am unworthy of your love, just as I was unworthy of my own father's love right from the beginning. 

These lies run so deep, and my default mentality is so broken. But let's not end here, let's loop back to the beginning of this post. In the beginning, God created the heavens and the earth. The earth was without form and void, and darkness was over the face of the deep. And the Spirit of God was hovering.

For those of you who have cracked open the bible, you know that this is a profound moment. Subsequently God speaks and starts to create everything out of nothing. And to what purpose? So that his creation would be his dwelling place and would point to his glory. When I look at this passage, I am reminded that the same God who did this is with me and can speak into the deep chasm that I feel within me. Not only that, but that this is a space that is occupied by the Holy Spirit. I may feel empty at times, but the truth of the reality is, the Holy Spirit is within me, reassuring me that to live is to be loved by God, nothing more nothing less. 

June Update

These past few weeks have been a whirlwind. I woke up one morning and noticed a text from a friend saying that I should apply to a community health RN position posted on Rush University Medical Center's website. I didn't hesitate and ended up applying that morning. Fast forward the next week and I found myself in communication with Anthony Mask, the director of faculty practice. He set me up with a formal interview with the dean, which I went on to have a few days ago. One thing lead to another, and she informally offered me an opportunity to be a part of a team that would go out to various communities that don't have access to care and provide COVID-19 education and testing, give or take 6-12 months. She asked me to take a few days to think about it, especially because the position itself would be unlike other positions due to its novelty. She also told me that I would transition to other opportunities within Rush once the teams were no longer needed and the pandemic waned.

As I was spending time with the Lord the other day, I knew that I would accept the offer and email Dr. Moss and Anthony back. Throughout my conversations with both of them, I felt so much peace and got this sense that the Lord was opening a door for me to step through. And as I sat in the moment, I started to cry because to accept would mean that I would be ending my time at Philz Coffee and Sugar Beet Food Co-op. More than anything, the tears were catalyzed by this burden on my heart for the friendships I have made through both of these jobs, and the realization that I would no longer see my co-worker friends on a day-to-day basis. That I would no longer be able to pursue them and love on them. Ok, so I'm being a bit dramatic because obviously I can still maintain these friendships. Still, a part of me is reminded of how much I want the people around me to experience the love of the Lord. To experience the freedom of his love and the fullness of it. A part of me is reminded that I am not their Savior, and that the Lord will continue to pursue them, even after I step out and move on to different opportunities. Still, my heart stung and I sat there weeping like a baby.

Once again, the Lord asks me to lay down everything at the altar: complacency, the delusion that I am in control of my life and future, fear that he hasn't already equipped me for the job up ahead, friendships that are ultimately gifts from him. And once again, I move forward with my palms open.