Kitchen Conversations

I like to think of myself as a transparent person and maybe even a vulnerable one; today's conversation in the kitchen with Emily made me realize that I am the former, but rarely at times the latter. Let me provide some context to this statement. Last night, my housemates and I were getting ready to watch something on Disney +, and I offhandedly commented to Emily that I had struggled this week with certain sins. Fast forward to this morning, and she found me in the kitchen baking a caramel cake. She looped back to last night's brief conversation and told me that she heard me in that moment but also wondered if I was using that time and space as a way to check off a box (me struggling with certain sins + casual acknowledgement of it in community = palms wiped clean and not having to worry about it anymore). Box checked. I realized this morning that my nonchalant manner in last night's conversation was certainly a defense mechanism - I know I struggle with certain things and I know that there is freedom in openly admitting those things with people who know me well but am I willing to take that step and be completely vulnerable? 

The thing is, there is a distinction between transparency and vulnerability - the former is an openness to be real but I think the latter creates a space of rebuke, feedback and accountability within community. It is an invitation where I get to invite others to see the ugly pieces of who I am, but trust that they love me and will stick around. Vulnerability is not comfortable, but praise the Lord, he has given me a community of women who I trust with my heart and who I can be vulnerable with. I admit there are certain sins that I have become comfortable with, and that is a dangerous state of existence. For a while now, I've felt the Holy Spirit nudging me to be more vulnerable with the women I live with; for a while now, I have distracted myself and pushed those small prompts into a tiny corner in the back of my heart/mind. 

All this to say, the walls must come down. I want to continue to be sanctified and transformed.