Selah

Every once in a while, I find myself in a moment that can only be described as a hit-pause, 'selah' moment. Sometimes, one feels the weight of certain moments more than others and what I'll be describing below is my attempt to capture one such moment. This season is one of huge transition for my community and I: Alison is moving to Denver, Colorado tomorrow to start her program at Denver Seminary, Grace is moving to Cincinnati soon to start her family medicine residency program, Rakiya moved out this past month into her new house, Emily is moving in with Steph this week and will be in the Humboldt Park neighborhood, Liz is moving forward in her dreams of buying the house we are currently living in here in North Lawndale. Even in the midst of so many transitions, our house has experienced the sweet blessing of hosting visiting friends (Jambi was with us for two weeks for her rotation at RUMC as a neurocritical physician and Cali drove in last night from Philadelphia and will be with us for the remainder of the week). 

Last night, I was in bed getting ready to go to sleep when Jambi texted me saying goodnight/goodbye and that she was going back to Peoria after her shift the following morning. In that moment, I decided I wanted to be intentional in saying my goodbyes (I have a hard time with goodbyes) so I ran downstairs to give Jambi a hug. Meanwhile, Emily was at the kitchen table talking to Rob and Lisa on the phone and after I said goodnight to Jambi, I started talking to Rob and one thing led to another and it hit me that it was Jambi's last night with us and that Emily was really really moving out. Somehow, my joking around with Rob/Lisa/Em/Liz switched tone mid-laugh and I started to cry. Wow, talk about an unexpected emotional takeover. I quickly ran upstairs to my room and laid in bed crying. 

Things could have ended on a mournful note, with me crying myself to sleep. And yet, a few minutes later, I heard footsteps and then Emily and Liz entered my room and piled on top of me in my bed. They wrapped their arms around me and we all just laid there. We paused, feeling the weight of the moment and the many emotions of gratitude towards the Lord for our community and opportunity to have lived with one another. We paused, collectively sitting in the pain and bittersweet moment of realizing that the future would not look like the present. And yet, we also articulated our hope in the Lord, and his steadfast faithfulness in our lives. 

It's true that we don't know what the Lord has in store for each one of us. It's true that much of this season has been me celebrating the milestones in my friends' lives and that even in the midst of celebration, I have been acutely aware of the loss of friends who are in close proximity to me. This morning, I woke up to find a text from Jambi: "the unfailing love of God surrounds the righteous. If he dresses the lillies in beauty and splendor...how much more does he love you. Grace, you are never alone and never abandoned." 

Lord, time and time again you have provided me with community. I pray that I would once again trust in this season and that you would glorify yourself in the space that is 1818 Troy. 

3/22 Thankful List

 -A church that does not shy away from engaging the sociopolitical realm through the lens of the Gospel 

-Playing spike ball and seeing friends from church 

-One of the biggest blessings this season is the sisterhood that I've found in Sharon, Janet, and Tina. Growing up, I never really had Korean American friends but wow, it's been such an unexpected gift to be able to walk alongside these woman and have shared experiences growing up in the United States as Asian/Korean Americans. Despite our commonalities, our group is pretty unique in that each woman is so quirky and her own, independent/fierce person. Truly, it's been a joy to do life with each of them individually and as a group. And especially during these times as racism/hate towards Asian Americans has increased here in the United States. Sisterhood is resistance, and I'm thankful to lean upon these women and process pain, brokenness, and hope with them. 

-Going to Joong Boo Market with Janet and Sharon and eating Korean food. Laughing a lot. Watching Christine and Janet meet for the first time and seeing a friendship unfold/bloom before my eyes.

-Korean turtle chips !!! 

Feeling Moody

Do people get hit with waves of heaviness when they wake up? Is this normal? I find that my mornings usually start off this way, more and more frequently these past few months. I find myself subconsciously uttering prayers to the Lord, for his presence and help. Once I go downstairs, make some coffee, and settle into my time with the Lord, my emotions usually become more even-keeled. I'm able to move past the heaviness and ground myself on scripture. Even though this season isn't necessarily the most exciting, I am reminded to be steadfast in the small things and to anticipate good things from the Lord not only in the future but the present as well. Naturally, this is a good segue to today's thankful list. I'm thankful for:

-Claire, Nastassja, and Grace matching into residency programs

-Rakiya's new house 

-Opportunities to vaccinate various underserved communities with Heartland Alliance

-Sacred spaces where I can lament and grieve with my church family 

-Kingdom Lyricists and the opportunity to share some of my poems and get encouraging feedback 

-My mom got vaccinated with her first dose of the Moderna vaccine this past week (!!)

Goodbye Grace

I send you off, gently back into the past 

There is no longer space for you 

to inhabit the crevices, no longer space

for you to appear unannounced 

No more drawn out seconds for us to 

canvass the past and dwell over the things 

stolen and the land destroyed 

I lay to rest what is not salvageable 

Little one, see me marking the boundaries

between what once was and what now is -- 

I have planted olive trees 

to make sense of what I cannot change 

and peace with what has failed me 

Goodbye Grace, I send you off 

back to where I first lost you 

Back to where you actually belong

the past and not the present 

3/4 Thankful List

-Prayer & the opportunity to commune with the Lord 

-Praying with Janet, Sharon, and Tina last night (wow - I'm so thankful for these friends. I'm thankful that our friendship is not only grounded on mutual camaraderie, but also on our shared and lived-out experiences as Korean American women who love prayer and love Christ)

-Yellow tulips/fresh flowers in my room 

-Sleeping with the window cracked open

-Waking up to birds chirping 

-Going on a walk after work yesterday and getting to chat with Alison

-Laughing with coworkers (am I the only one that just found out about what 'hot girl summer' is?!); regardless, I can't keep up with this generation haha