When the Spirit Falls Afresh

 For the past 3 weeks, my church has been going through a sermon series where someone from the church has preached on the same passage (Luke 18:35-43), but from a different perspective. Today, CC wrapped up the series and for me, it was one of those Sundays where you walk out of the sanctuary different than when you entered it. Last week, CC asked a few of us in prayer group to pray for today's service and it's true that much prayer and fasting was involved in setting a tone of collective anticipation prior to this morning. And guess what? The Spirit delivered and met the church body both collectively and individually. During the service, CC asked the congregation the following prompt: If Jesus were standing in front of you and asked, "What do you want from me?", how would you respond? In that moment, my gut instinct was to say, "Jesus, I want more of you." Towards the end of the sermon, CC asked the congregation the same prompt and this time, as I sat there before the Lord, I heard him say to me "Grace, what do you really want?"I sat there for a minute, puzzled. And a few seconds passed by, and I realized oh wow, God, you want to go there. 

The thing is, my relationship with my dad is pretty much non-existent. It is an artifact of a broken and messy past. As a little girl and into my high school years I put so much effort to repair a one-sided relationship. Time and time again, I came to experience the overwhelmingly disappointment of a father who simply did not prioritize me, let alone pursue a relationship with me. Fast forward to today and it has been almost 6 years since the last time I truly conversed with my dad. Things came to a breaking point in 2016, and I had to take a step back for my emotional wellbeing. I let my dad go. 

Anyways, I don't really think about my dad anymore. Some things you just lay to rest, and my desire for a relationship with him was something I had to let go of. I moved on, until today. When the Lord spoke to me, I realized that I had to answer. Lord, a relationship with my dad. This is what I want. At this time, CC opened up the front of the sanctuary and invited people to come up to pray - something in me nudged me to go up to Lorie and ask for prayer. As I shared my prayer request, she started to pray for my dad, and then things amped up real quick. The Holy Spirit started to move, and I started to respond. At one point, Lorie whispered in my ear, "Grace, this is the year of wholeness for you. This is the year of wholeness." And wow, when she said those words, I broke down and low-key started weeping. For a while, Lorie held me but I eventually ended up on the ground, face-planted before the Lord, ugly-crying. I think I even started shouting, "Lord, Lord, Lord." Definitely one of those moments where you just fully open yourself up to what the Spirit is doing. 

In all of this, I realize that the Lord is not quite done with me, or with my dad. I don't know where he is (California, I think), I don't know what's he is doing in this moment. But I know that the Lord is not finished with us. In all of this, I trust that the Lord is fully sovereign and in control and that somehow, my story will bring him the utmost glory. 

Thankful List

-Morning rhythms; spending time w the Lord and reading the Word 

-An absolutely lovely weekend: on Friday, I drove up to Evanston and my small group and I had a wine and cheese night. It was really great to reconnect with the girls and just hangout for a few hours. For the first time in a long time, I didn't go anywhere on Saturday (I don't think I can recall the last time I just stayed home all day, especially on a Saturday). I hopped on the prayer call, went for a 12-mile run after, deep-cleaned my room, mopped the floors (both downstairs and upstairs), made ricotta cheese and thin mints. Kara/Janet/Sharon came over for dinner and we made dduk mandoo gguk and it was such a solid evening of laughter and deep conversation. I love these woman more than I can articulate and am super thankful to have them in my life. 

-Today was also filled with a lot of laughter and fellowship - Julian/Janet/Justice/Tina/Tirzah and I walked to a coffee shop after church service and sat around drinking coffee. We ended up going to a local place and grabbed takeout and headed back to Julian's house for a late lunch. When I take a step back and observe our group dynamics, I'm pleasantly reminded that this season is truly a gift from the Lord. There's something uniquely lovely about have a group of people you feel at home with. For the first time in my life, I have a group of people that I feel like really really know me and I them. Not only that, but we just enjoy each other's company, more than I can say ha ha.

-All the fun little moments of laughter I had with Justice today 

-I'm thankful for Kolton and Christina, and the opportunity to bless them with a get-well care package

-A bouquet of flowers from Trader Joe's (my treat to myself teehee)

Lately, I sense the Lord's deep, deep love for me keenly. Interestingly enough, my experience of his love has evolved in that I take delight in not one singular moment but his constant presence in my life. Yeah. I guess my walk with him has definitely matured in that I've grown to be more satisfied with experiencing his love outside of just intense spiritual moments. At the end of the day, it baffles me that I've walked with the Lord for so many years and yet, his love never ever grows old or stagnant. I'm honestly quite awestruck that I can experience glimpses of eternal love on this side of heaven. 

a taste of heaven

 I woke up at 6 am this morning with remnants of a dream lingering on my tongue. And as I lay there, I marveled over the soon-to-be reality of everlasting love. I dreamt of eternity, and of being fully known and fully loved. This morning was a gift; indeed, too often I am unable to fully grasp or perceive what my relationship with the Lord looks like on this side of heaven let alone what it will look like in the time to come. Perhaps this is the reality check I need: that to live life with the Lord is the biggest blessing and that more is to come. That I don't need to worry aimlessly or have tunnel vision when things get tough. That he loves me far more than I can comprehend and that he is right here, right by my side. I can and I will live in that love. 

1/19/22 Thankful List

 -Morning routines (getting up at 6:30 am, making coffee, lighting a candle, sitting before the Lord for a good hour before I head off to work)

-Mellow PCR events 

-Seeing Kara this afternoon when she came over to pick up the car; laughing with Kara over her extra hole-y socks 

-Talking on the phone w Sarah - I've really really enjoyed our weekly phone dates

-Barack Obama's Favorite Music of 2021 Spotify playlist 

-Thankful that Meg is coming back to work tomorrow !!! 

Thankful List Weekend Edition

 I feel like so much happened this past week. On Wednesday, I was driving to the vax site and as I was getting off the highway, noticed the temperature probe inching up past the median. The instant I saw this, my stomach did a flip and I immediately let out an f-bomb. Back in November, I sank $900 resolving this issue and during that time, my dear mechanic called me after installing a new radiator and temp. sensor probe saying that if I ran into this issue again within a 90-day timeframe, it was most likely due to the head gasket and that this was a major issue that wasn't worth my time or energy in getting fixed (not to mention cost). He straight up told me: "Grace, if the head gasket blows out then you can't even sell your car for parts. If that temp. probe goes up again, it's time to say bye to your car and part ways." I took his words to heart and made note of what he shared with me. Well, fast forward not even 90 days to this past Wednesday. I somehow got my car to the parking lot of the vax site and at that point, noticed a faint burning smell. So began my scramble to sell my car and start the process of buying a new one. My stress level rose multiple notches this past week; regardless, I totally saw the Lord provide for me in ways unimaginable and provide multiple joyous moments shared with my community. 

On Friday, multiple prayers were answered. The title of the car was express shipped to Michael's house and ended up arriving just in time. I was able to get my mom to sign a POA and get it notarized. I drove my car up to the CarMax in Glencoe and didn't have any major issues getting it up there. The actual drive up was pretty pleasant, actually.  I was so thankful because Michael drove all the way up to help me sell my car and we were both totally surprised and caught off guard when the CarMax employee offered us $1,200 for the car. I tried to haggle for a minute or two but quickly rolled over because let's be real, I should have probably gotten way less for my car. All in all, I'm so thankful for how smoothly things went at CarMax - like I walked out feeling weightless. Here are some other things I'm thankful for: 

-Friday dinner with Justice, Michael, Julian, Janet 

-Julian, Janet, Michael came along with me and spent pretty much all day Saturday checking out various Toyota dealerships - I felt SO incredibly loved and overall, it was just a really fun day with friends test driving cars and getting lunch/coffee 

-Even though I didn't end up buying a car and some stuff happened that resulted in me feeling a bit deflated towards the end of the day, I'm so thankful that Michael rode with me and was with me in that moment 

-Car chats with Michael 

-Hot pot with Kara and Shang 

-Asian pear cocktails 

-Thankful for a back-up car for my back-up car 

In all of this, I am just overwhelmed by the Lord's love and how he pursued me this weekend. I'm not sure how or when I'll get a new car but I anticipate that the Lord will orchestrate it and that I don't need to stress too much about it. 

hello to forever

Towards the end of last year, I started to feel a nudge within myself to go deeper with the Lord. During this season, my gut instinct was to swat that nudge away, back into the corner of my conscious. In my eyes, I was doing great. Physically, emotionally, spiritually floating above the average and not running into any major issues. Coasting. Complacent. Comfortable. Wow - what a roundup of words. I'm not sure what tipped me over but during my time in Salt Lake City, I realized that the nudge was still there and that I could no longer ignore it. Something in me responded, and I hit pause on Instagram with the desire to create more space for the Lord. The thing is, I've been distracted and have lived a distracted 2021. Sure, the Lord walked with me and met me in the most powerful ways last year, but I realize now that the allure of good things pulled me away from deeper communion with the Lord. Rather than being self-condemning, I'm approaching 2022 with a deep desire to not miss opportunities to dive deep with the Lord and to grasp unto the invitation that he continues to extend: to commune richly with him this side of heaven. 

1/9/22 Thankful List

 -Last night, I got back into Chicago after a week of sun and fun out in Arizona. The week was restful and filled with quality time with people I love and admire and I'm so thankful that the Lord gave me this opportunity to spend time with Alison and also visit the Orris'. I came back convicted that making space for the Lord is a holy endeavor - one that will not disappoint. I'm excited to tap into this deep nudging within me to respond to God's love.

-Janet trekking across town to pick me up from Midway 

-Chaotic journey from car to front door (there was a lot of black ice last night and I couldn't stop laughing because I looked like a penguin waddling trying to make it to the front door without falling on my face - Janet witnessed all of this)

-Coming home to snail mail! Julian wrote me a card and aw, I couldn't stop smiling reading his heartfelt words 

-Slow Sunday mornings 

-Being able to worship with my church fam

-Spontaneous hang w/ Michael and Justice (we got takeout from this cute Korean restaurant in Pilsen and then spent the rest of the afternoon playing Super Smash Bros. and Mario Kart)

Thankful List

I'm currently in Mesa, Arizona with Alison visiting Sam and Kevin and it has been the most restful, soul-nourishing trip. Sam and Kevin are one of my favorite couples and I'm just so thankful that Alison and I could visit them and also hang with baby Noah for an extended amount of time. Here are some highlights: 

-Running outside in a short-sleeve t-shirt 

-Thankful for the sun and for cool mornings and evenings 

-Thankful for Alison and for the opportunity to spend NYE/NYD with her and also travel with her to AZ 

-Worship/prayer night with the Orris' and their friends 

-Going on multiple walks with Kevin, Sam, Noah, and Alison 

-Playing with baby Noah (he is the most happy, giggly baby)

-Car chats with Kevin and being able to open up to him and ask him for some guy advice (I like what he said about this current season I'm in. He turned to me and said, "Grace, is what you're going through right now a problem to solve or a tension to manage?") 

-Making homemade pizzas and indoor s'mores for dessert

-Kevin made Alison and I epic old-fashioned cocktails 

-Giggling in bed next to Alison (we were laughing at memes the other night) 

-Adventure-time w Alison and exploring Mesa w her 

-Eating a buttload of ice cream during this trip 

Because Kevin and Sam had Covid the latter part of December, they weren't able to go back to Chicago to see their respective families. They switched their trip to this weekend and Alison and I dropped them off at the airport this morning. Which meanssss that Alison and I will have some solid time together for the remaining part of our trip here in Arizona and will be able to use the Orris' car and continue staying at their place. Looking forward to some more one-on-one time with Alison before we both fly to our respective homes this Saturday! 

2022: Affirmation

I'm starting off the New Year leaning into this gentle nudge within me: to go deeper with the Lord. To let go of all the things I usually turn to for affirmation. And to make space for the Lord and his pleasure in me.