For the past 3 weeks, my church has been going through a sermon series where someone from the church has preached on the same passage (Luke 18:35-43), but from a different perspective. Today, CC wrapped up the series and for me, it was one of those Sundays where you walk out of the sanctuary different than when you entered it. Last week, CC asked a few of us in prayer group to pray for today's service and it's true that much prayer and fasting was involved in setting a tone of collective anticipation prior to this morning. And guess what? The Spirit delivered and met the church body both collectively and individually. During the service, CC asked the congregation the following prompt: If Jesus were standing in front of you and asked, "What do you want from me?", how would you respond? In that moment, my gut instinct was to say, "Jesus, I want more of you." Towards the end of the sermon, CC asked the congregation the same prompt and this time, as I sat there before the Lord, I heard him say to me "Grace, what do you really want?"I sat there for a minute, puzzled. And a few seconds passed by, and I realized oh wow, God, you want to go there.
The thing is, my relationship with my dad is pretty much non-existent. It is an artifact of a broken and messy past. As a little girl and into my high school years I put so much effort to repair a one-sided relationship. Time and time again, I came to experience the overwhelmingly disappointment of a father who simply did not prioritize me, let alone pursue a relationship with me. Fast forward to today and it has been almost 6 years since the last time I truly conversed with my dad. Things came to a breaking point in 2016, and I had to take a step back for my emotional wellbeing. I let my dad go.
Anyways, I don't really think about my dad anymore. Some things you just lay to rest, and my desire for a relationship with him was something I had to let go of. I moved on, until today. When the Lord spoke to me, I realized that I had to answer. Lord, a relationship with my dad. This is what I want. At this time, CC opened up the front of the sanctuary and invited people to come up to pray - something in me nudged me to go up to Lorie and ask for prayer. As I shared my prayer request, she started to pray for my dad, and then things amped up real quick. The Holy Spirit started to move, and I started to respond. At one point, Lorie whispered in my ear, "Grace, this is the year of wholeness for you. This is the year of wholeness." And wow, when she said those words, I broke down and low-key started weeping. For a while, Lorie held me but I eventually ended up on the ground, face-planted before the Lord, ugly-crying. I think I even started shouting, "Lord, Lord, Lord." Definitely one of those moments where you just fully open yourself up to what the Spirit is doing.
In all of this, I realize that the Lord is not quite done with me, or with my dad. I don't know where he is (California, I think), I don't know what's he is doing in this moment. But I know that the Lord is not finished with us. In all of this, I trust that the Lord is fully sovereign and in control and that somehow, my story will bring him the utmost glory.
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