Spiritual Dementia and I

 I, like you, struggle with something that I like to call spiritual dementia. It's persistent, my natural inclination, and it takes intentionality to combat. I constantly forget God's goodness and heart of compassion and mercy towards me, even though he has historically never failed me. Sure, some seasons we are aware of God's goodness and then there are others where it is hard to remember that same goodness - our faith ebbs and flows. My prayer for myself as I jumpstart my 29th year is to ground my faith not in the season that I find myself in, but in the God whose promises are unshakeable. 

This year has presented a lot of question marks, some of which fell under the following categories:

-Relational
-Basic car/house/career changes 

In each of these categories, God did not fail to meet me in ways that were both healing and specific to my needs, wants, and desires. Even as I felt like a mini-version of myself was shaken up in a snow globe with my face plastered against the top of the said globe, things started to slowly fall back down and into place. In each arena of my life, God's sovereignty was and is clear, and I had/have only to give myself up to the process of trusting in him (I use both past and present tense because it's an ongoing process).

I turned 29 a few days ago and my birthday happened to also be my first day of orientation as an ambulatory nurse. To be completely honest, I fell asleep and woke up to overwhelming fear and anxiety and even found myself thinking that I didn't want to go into work and furthermore wanted to cancel all birthday celebrations that evening. I'm glad I didn't, because the Lord met me in such unique ways that day. He moved through a fellow nurse who also started the same day as I did - she surprised me with a birthday card before I felt work for the day. He moved through community and was present in my time with Sarah over dinner and later in the evening when I met up with a group of friends for cocktails. He is continuing to meet me and surprise me, even as I continue to orient in my new role on the neuromovement disorders clinic. I'm thankful that my officemate/fellow RN colleague seems to be a really amazing human being (she's the one who surprised me with a birthday card on the first day we met), for the rest of my colleagues on the care team who seem accessible, passionate about the work they do, and just human in their connectivity and whimsicality. I'm thankful for a really supportive RN manager, for an easy commute to work, for the perks that come with working on an ambulatory clinic (normal work hours, free coffee in the break-room, AC during these hot hot summer days, etc.). I'm thankful that I feel stimulated and excited to really get my feet wet in a subspecialty, specifically neurology and neuro-movement disorders, and learn from colleagues who are some of the best in their field. 

In all of this, I'm reminded that God knows what is best for me and that it's good to not be in control. I'm reminded that I must intentionally remind myself (and allow my community to remind me as well) that the Lord will never fail me and that his small and big promises are not contingent on my faithfulness, but his.