This year has been brutally painful and I find myself going through this ritual of unrolling my yoga mat, lighting a candle, and crying before the Lord. The tears just come and come and come, and I allow my body to externally express what it is internally feeling. Basically, I've been ugly-crying a ton these days.
There is this biblical notion of wrestling faithfully and I've been nudging myself to wrestle with the Lord just as Jacob did with God. To be honest about my feelings and doubts and lack of joy this season, and to turn to the Lord in the midst of it all. I have so many questions, so many what-ifs and so many whys and it's all painful. Even as I wrestle with the Lord, he doesn't necessarily give me the answers to my questions; rather, he provides his presence. Which is maybe better, I think.
Despite the fact that suffering can be isolating and my gut reaction is to turn inwards, I find solace knowing that the Lord knows me in my highest moments and in my lowest moments and that these are safe spaces where I can question what he is doing while at the same time trust that he is with me, even as I unravel.
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I trust that he desires me to be the greatest version of who he has created me to be, and that this is one step, one season closer to being a whole and healed person.
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