Approximately 5 weeks ago, my current roommate and I had a fallout that left me feeling confused, uncertain, and hurt/frustrated by the overall situation that had been coming to a head over the course of more than 6 months. I was once again thrust into uncertainty about the future; indeed, all I knew was that I had to articulate my boundaries and move out from an unhealthy/emotionally harmful living situation.
The questions of where I was going to live and with who I was going to live with swirled around like intractable smoke in my head. I had nightmares where I was fighting with my current roommate and I woke up many times with heaviness in my heart. What now? How are you going to show up God? These were the questions that balanced and acted as counterweight against the more anxiety-inducing ones. Sure enough, he did show up. And continues to do so.
On May 4, I woke up to a dream that was more than an average dream - I was able to recall specific details and the nature of conversation I was having with the person in my dream, Sarah Y. To provide some context, Sarah is an actual person who goes to my church - I knew for a fact that she wasn't looking for a roommate and was looking for a place for herself. In my dream, Sarah and I were in an apartment that we had begun the process of already moving into. We went from room to room, and she even showed me how she had already moved into her bedroom and I exclaimed how much closet space there was in each of the rooms. We proceeded to go downstairs to the kitchen and I made a comment about the refrigerator, saying "Oh, hey! That's the refrigerator that Jerry Zhu has!" She responded by saying she had to get the same model because of the unique water dispenser/filter. I woke up and immediately texted my friends the details of the dream, namely the funny moment where Jerry's fridge made it to my subconscious dreamscape.
The next day, some church friends and I went to the Logan Square monument for an after service picnic and one of the girls I had previously talked to about potentially living with asked me how my current house situation was. I told Abby that I was on more of a time crunch to find a new place and new roommates and she exclaimed that she knew someone who was looking to move out of her current place (I was told that she lived with 3 other guys and wanted to be in a new place with other women) and who wanted to stay on the Westside; namely, Humboldt Park. My curiosity was piqued, and I asked who it was. Abby proceeded to tell me it was Sarah Y's old roommate, Jenny Hudson, and gave me her contact information. When I got back to my car, I sat there for a minute wondering what in the world the Lord was up to and then sent a text to Jenny explaining who I was and how I had obtained her number.
Jenny and I ended up meeting that following Saturday for coffee and the moment that I had met her, there was such a synergetic energy and sense of peace that left us talking for around 2 hours. We talked about why we were looking for new roommates/new housing and talked about our passions and desire to live on the Westside, and desires and expectations for the future community/housing. I was immediately struck by her empathetic and compassion and desire to live incarnationally and in close community with the people on her block and in West Humboldt Park. She struck me as a beautiful person, with a beautiful heart. We decided to give it a few days and then touch base with one another about potentially living with one another.
Fast forward to the next week - I sent Jenny a text on May 15th saying I was more or less at peace about living with her and that if she was still open to the idea of living together, that I was committed. She verbalized the same and we both ended the phone call praying over the next season. In a separate phone call, Jenny asked what I thought about potentially having a 3rd roommate (someone she had previously been in conversation with about living together) and I ended up FaceTiming both her and Hannah this past Sunday. This phone call left me feeling a bit disappointed and uncertain to be quite frank - it hit me that both Jenny and Hannah are significantly younger than I am (class of '20 and '21) and that I would be experiencing a season outside my comfort zone as the older woman in the apartment (perhaps this age hierarchy is more relevant in Korean culture); still, there's something to be said about carrying yourself in a way reflective of your age and I'm curious if this is the Lord's way of pushing me outside my comfort zone and nudging me towards further personal growth. I happened to mention the age gap to my small group and was met with boisterous rebuffs: "Grace, you do realize half the people in this group are Jenny and Hannah's age, right? and "So when are you going to change my diaper??" and so forth and so on. I was quickly put in my place, and conceded that age (to a certain degree) is but a number.
During therapy today, Elizabeth kindly reminded me that only a few months ago, I articulated that I was feeling stagnant and restless and asked God the question, "is this it?" He must have caught wind of my comment because things definitely took a turn in the past month or so. Once again, I am seeing him provide in ways outside my imagination and I dedicate this next season to him as I wrap up my time living with Shayna and as I pray and fast for the new apartment and living with both Jenny and Hannah. And once again, I'm reminded that this is no ordinary life, this life that is ultimately anointed with God's presence and kindness.
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Today is June 4th, exactly one month since I had that dream and boy, do I have a testimony. The last time I wrote in this post, I outlined the ways in which Jenny came into my life and how ultimately, God provided two future roommates. Well, he was just getting started and I marvel at how all aspects (Jerry's fridge aside) of the dream have come to come to fruition. Let me explain: shortly after writing the first half of this post, I found myself in a whirlwind of a week touring various apartments. Jenny, Hannah, and I had a list of non-negotiable items for the future apartments we were looking at, those items included location (ideally West Humboldt Park, great lighting inside, in-unit laundry, central AC and perhaps even a porch, and of course price point ). On May 23rd, I had two apartment tours lined up and as soon as I drove up to the 2nd showing, I had this inexplicable peace as I parked the car and walked up to the front gate/door. Carrie, the realtor, ushered me to the second floor and proceeded to show me the 2nd floor apartment. It was cute, quirky, had great lighting, and I was excited in a way that felt new. I asked Carrie what the status was and she admitted that there was an application for the unit pending - I quickly expressed disappointment that I hadn't gotten there sooner and she replied that the first floor was also on the market and had been recently rehabbed. Once again, my curiosity was piqued and I asked Carrie if I could see the bottom first floor unit. She replied that she had to give the tenant a 48 hour notice but would ask and get back to me. I proceeded to excitedly text the girls about the second floor unit and we decided to put in the pre-application despite the pending application. That evening, Carrie texted me asking me if I was free the next morning - the tenant was ok with having us come over to see the first floor unit. Thus, I was able to work remote and see the first floor unit during my lunch break the next morning.
The minute I stepped into the unit, my jaw dropped. The wall separating the kitchen from the dining/living room space had been taken down and an island inserted in the middle - it opened up the space and was incredibly beautiful. Not only was there more kitchen space and storage, but the unit also had french doors opening up into a private patio space. The floor was new and there were built in shelves and a fireplace in the living room, not to mention the in-unit laundry and central AC that I had vocalized wanting. The overall price for the first floor unit was a bit more, but nothing that would break our wallets. In fact, it was more than affordable for all 3 of us. If the excitement I was feeling was up in the high 90s, the response I got from the other two girls was everything but. I more or less was met with crickets for most of the day and when I finally got a response, it was one centered around gentrification and the observation of appearing a certain way to neighbors. Ah, the cat was out of the bag. Gentrification. The girls were ok with living on the 2nd floor but were wary of inhabiting the nicer first floor unit due to concerns of appearing well-off and thus, feeding into the cycle of gentrification and displacement. I sat there, fully aware of the complexity of the situation but also somewhat baffled at the response; living on the 2nd floor in a more quaint, cramped space wouldn't cease to get at the root of gentrification. At the end of the day, we would still be paying rent to the landlord, a guy that had rehabbed the basement and first floor and was most likely going to eventually rehab the second floor. I quickly pointed this out, and also named that our intentions for living in the neighborhood and in the apartment were multi-faceted and far from parasitic - Jenny exclaimed herself that the location was ideal for its proximity to her current neighbors and the various non-profit community organizations she's involved in. I expressed my own desire to grow and develop symbiotic relationships with the individuals in the neighborhood; at the same time, I also validated and affirmed Jenny's desire to eliminate any factors that would create a potential power dynamic. Being a white woman is something she has no control over; her environment, however, is something she does have control over and so I see why having nice things could work disadvantageously as symbols of power and why she desired to reduce those potential factors. At the same time, I also pointed out that this apartment was an answer to prayer and such a huge huge gift from the Lord - it's like God was like "Uh huh, you got a list of things you're looking for in the new place? Let's start checking off the list." And he totally did.
At the end of the day, I'm so incredibly thankful to have these hard conversations with my future roommates and to sit in the tension. Gentrification is a real thing and I'm aware that this is an ongoing discussion that we will have as we live in West Humboldt Park in the nicer first floor unit. I hold gentrification in one hand and receiving what is a gift from the Lord in the other. What will it look like to live in this space for this upcoming season? What does it look like to say yes to God and thank you and rejoice in his faithfulness and provision? What does it look like to be good stewards, and to ultimately use what is given to us to bless others? I sense that this upcoming season will be one of transformation and I am eager to step into it with curiosity and openness. I'm excited to host prayer group and small group and have friends over spontaneously. I'm excited for this new space to be one that feels like a refuge and where community can be fostered. And at the end of the day, I am reminded that all good things come from the Lord, and that it is his desire to astound us and leave us marveling at how he meets us in unexpected ways.
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