Thursday, November 21, 2024

To Exist

 It's been a really sweet season of allowing the dust to settle, and experiencing the Lord in deeper ways. I am learning to simply exist, and be open and curious to how the Lord wants to meet me in this season. 

Something I've been doing these days are morning and evening meditations through the Lectio 365 app. What a delightful app; no joke, the meditations are so soothing and I even found myself crying while listening to this past Monday evening's meditation. It was a raw and tender moment with the Lord, and I'm thankful that I'm incorporating more moments of stillness and pause before him. 

I've been living in my current space for around 4.5 months now and it has been an absolute dream. I've been able to host prayer group for brunch, friends from church, small group, Greg/Lais and Alicia - the list goes on and on and it's feels  refreshing to be able to open up my place and extend hospitality to my community. This year was the first year I hosted Friendsgiving and everything was special and sweet, from my homemade chocolate-chile pecan pie and challah stuffing, to Julian's sweet potato casserole and John's spatchcock chicken.. A part of me came alive, and I'm curious as how God will continue to use this space. It's wild to think about how in my previous living situation, I only had friends over a total of 3-4 times in the two years I was living with Shayna. Truly a different season. 

Hmm, as I continue to reflect upon this season I'm struck by how living with Jenny and Hannah has stretched me and made me more in awe and in love with the Lord. I've been tagging along and joining Jenny and her team whenever they go out to do outreach to the sex workers here in West Humboldt Park and whenever I go with them, I'm deeply struck by the love and passion with which they're committed to the women who are on the fringes of society. Like it hits deep. This past Tuesday, I hit the streets with them and even got to go out and interact with some of the women and in that moment, it's like Jesus took over my sight and I was able to see the person in front of me with his eyes. And the thing is, I was caught up in a wave of compassion and was humbled by the entire interaction. The whole evening is a bit non-kosher - the team piles into Jenny's car, we meet at the local New Life Church to pack baggies that have toiletries and granola bars, go over resources that we want to share with the women, pray and then pile back into Jenny's car and essentially go find the women working the streets. When we spot someone we know, two of the team members jump out with a baggie, give it to the woman, and catch up with them and offer mental health and various other community resources. The rest of us remain in the car, acting as the "eyes" and praying over the interaction that's going on outside the car. And then we drive to the next stop and so forth and so on. Things usually wrap up around 11 pm and we head back to the church and take down notes and pray over each of the women we interacted with that evening. This ministry is as grassroots as you can get and a bit wild. But I sense the Lord's heartbeat and kindness and pursuit in all of it and so I'm committed to going at least once a month this season. 

It has been beautiful to exist, and to welcome and embrace the hard days and the good days and in the midst of all of it, I get the sense that the Lord is changing me and growing me and deepening my relationship with him.

Thursday, November 14, 2024

Affirmation Homework

The other week my therapist asked me to create a list of things i like about myself (in response to me telling her i was struggling with alot of negative self-talk and criticism) and it was a good to write down a few of the things i like about myself: 

-self-awareness: i am quick to realize when i am at fault; quick to ask for forgiveness + have a desire to growth and change for the better 

-i am able to set boundaries and i know my limits 

-the ability to worship God in all seasons 

-kingdom-sighted; i desire to see the bigger picture and to obey the Lord even when i don't understand 

-high level of emotional intelligent

-a heart of intercession and a passion for prayer (and a desire to usher others into deeper/intimate spaces where they can encounter God)

-openness and ability to surrender + be lead by the lord 

-i am disciplined (especially when it comes to running, reading the Word with Sarah) and can meet the goals i set for myself 

-highly self-motivated in the things that i am interested in 

-i like my silly, weird side; i like to laugh (even though this side of me ebb and flows depending on season)

-ability to have serious, deep conversations

-i try to give people the benefit of the doubt; approach them with little judgement 

-i am someone who beats to my own drum, and am ok with that 

-i like that i am clean, and enjoy cleaning + having a clean space 

-i am able to practice gratitude on a daily basis 

-thoughtful of others and desire to stretch myself more by being more considerate of others 

-poetry as an expression of worship + an expansion of self-expression

Just to name a few. I'm realizing more and more that I can hold the negative and positive things about myself equally without letting the former overshadow the latter. Aren't the many attributes that make up a person what contributes to their uniqueness? And i am learning uniqueness is intimately tied to how deeply the Lord loves me for me. The good, the bad, the ugly - all of it is covered by his grace. I pray that this is the season where i can go deeper and where my perception of myself is marked by how God sees me. 

Elizabeth shared with me a quote by St. Catherine of Siena that goes something like this: "Be who God meant you to be and you will set the world on fire." Perhaps all of life's journey is distilled down to coming back home to who God is, who we are, and how he has uniquely created me and you. Perhaps it is shedding what society expects me to be, who the enemy says i am and pressing keenly into journeying with the Lord and soaking up all that is revealed in the process. I pray that God would grow me, anoint me, use me to wake up those who slumber and set their hearts on fire for him.