Woah. That was an intense smell. I sat there, feeling my olfactory senses firing on high alert. My internal monologue - what in the world is that smell? Foot smell? Long travel day smell? Definitely person smell. Bad bad bad. What the frick am I smelling?! - attempted to make sense in real time of what felt like an onslaught of layers of smells, none too good.
Two months ago, Hannah asked if she could host her 16-year old brother for a few days while he was on Spring Break and have him stay with us. She also let us know that he was transgender. I appreciated the heads up, and verbalized it was fine with me; indeed, Hannah's brother, Zach*, sees her as a safe person and I knew that it was important to host him and create space for him.
Two months came and went and on Friday, Zach and Grandma flew in from their respective states to visit Hannah and spend the weekend together. I was in the house when they arrived and while I had been anticipating some level of stepping outside my comfort zone, didn't realize I would come face-to-face with the hard reality of what many trans youth experience: body dysmorphia and related personal hygiene issues. It hit me in the face, the extreme smell. I immediately dissociated and found myself experiencing a high level of discomfort in my own apartment. To put it simply, this was not just teenage boy smell - this was something much much more. Jenny (who flew out to Kenya for a work trip on Saturday and who would be gone for most of Zach's time with us) encouraged me to approach Hannah and talk about what I was experiencing. I reached out to Hannah, was honest about how the odors effected me, and asked her if she had any ideas on how to reduce the smell and make this week sustainable for all of us. Hannah is someone who is extremely mature and thoughtful and immediately responded with things she would do to try to lessen the odors; she also apologized for not giving Jenny and I a heads up but that she too didn't realize that the odors would be so intense.
For the remainder of Saturday and today, I found myself internally ruminating, processing, condemning myself. Grace, why are you so hardhearted? Your posture towards Zach is one of selfishness - you've put up a wall between you and him because of something personal like self-hygiene or lack thereof. And so on and on. The thing is, anyone who knows me knows I place a strong value on personal hygiene and cleanliness, especially in the home. I mean, whenever I'm sad my tendency is to cry with God and then get my broom and mop and start to deep-clean the kitchen. With Zach in my personal space, I found myself knee-deep in internal conflict and processing what it means to be hospitable when it's uncomfortable. What does it look like to love someone even if they smell a certain way or rub you the wrong way? It's easy to love people who are not marginalized. It's easy to be hospitable towards people who smell nice and are pleasant enough. I was at odds with myself: the sinful human side who idolizes values like personal hygiene and cleanliness above caring for others well and the other side who desires to live and love like Christ regardless of how they present themselves.
This past Thursday, I was supposed to meet with my spiritual director, Van. She forgot that we had a session, and so we rescheduled to this afternoon. And I think it was God's providence and way of saying, "I've got you Grace. You're going to struggle internally this weekend but I'm going to create space where you can process with Van - I'm going to speak and encounter you in the time that you have with her." And sure enough, God met me and gave me an image of a rock being refined and being smoothed of bumps. He whispered to me, "Grace, stop worrying needlessly. Unclench those fists."
Later in the evening, Hannah and Zach came home and I found myself pausing to talk to both of them about their day. We chatted for like 20 minutes and it was the first moment where I actually gave myself space to pause and engage with Zach. And it was really pleasant - I was able to just be present instead of running to my room. I found the internal tension melting away as I sat there, perhaps experiencing a glimmer of God's heart towards Zach.
*Name changed for privacy
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