Trust the Heart Behind the Hand

 Sometimes, it's so easy to forget exactly how much God sees us, knows us, and loves us. I lost sight of his heart earlier this week - on Tuesday, I sensed in myself this underlying current of anxiety/fear related to a few different home/work-related things that had popped up that day. I allowed myself to sit in that anxiety and fear. Regardless of my state of being that day,  I found myself making my way to Chicago Tabernacle that evening because I knew I had to pray it out and meet the Lord. And lo and behold, the topic and theme of the night happened to be God's love and how his love casts out fear. It was such a beautiful time and space to reorient my mind, heart, and emotions and not be hyper-fixated on things out of my control - I closed my mind and tried to envision in my mind's eye the Lord's posture of love towards me. And like clockwork, I just sensed his deep presence and love flowing into my heart and his voice saying, "Grace, I care. I care for you. I'm here." And then I started crying, which is on point with my experience at Chi Tab these past couple of months. It's like the Spirit just meets me and I get wrecked each time. 

Towards the end of the service, there was an altar call and I found myself making my way to the front. I was super touched because three different people came to my side and prayed for me and I just recall feeling so encouraged in that moment. 

I think oftentimes God's hand isn't so evident in our lives. We see glimpses of him working but a lot of the discrepancy requires simply trusting in what he says in scripture about who he is, in our past/present experiences, and how he shows up in community. Regardless of whether or not we see his hand, I desire to trust in his heart, and the overwhelming love that he has for me and for others. 

 I was worshipping at church today and I heard the Lord clearly ask me, "are you ready for a new season?" 

I replied, "yes, Lord." 

Tears and Eggs

 Yesterday, I came home from woodworking and made myself a bowl of eggs and as I started shoveling food into my mouth, started crying. It still hurts, the breakup that happened a year ago. And the realization that time will continue to take us into new seasons and new experiences hit a bit more deeply last night. I cried throughout the night, recalling the many memories and feelings and emotions that made up our two years - the highs and lows, the experience of being so fully and lovingly known, but mostly the beauty of being in relationship with someone so wonderful. I cherish every memory. I cry just writing these words and make space for how hard it was, how hard it still is to let go of someone I held dear in my heart. A year later, and my faith in the Lord and the bigger plan continues to be challenged -  what I deeply desire in my next relationship is peace and assurance from God. More than anything, I want to internally feel peace, and so this is what I boldly pray for: for no hesitation, for a settled sense of assurance that I'm right where I need to be, for affirmation regarding the relationship that supersedes my understanding. And even though I don't fully understand a year post breakup why I had to let Stephen go, I know that I was obedient to the Lord and that in my surrender, fruit will be born.