Yesterday, I came home from woodworking and made myself a bowl of eggs and as I started shoveling food into my mouth, started crying. It still hurts, the breakup that happened a year ago. And the realization that time will continue to take us into new seasons and new experiences hit a bit more deeply last night. I cried throughout the night, recalling the many memories and feelings and emotions that made up our two years - the highs and lows, the experience of being so fully and lovingly known, but mostly the beauty of being in relationship with someone so wonderful. I cherish every memory. I cry just writing these words and make space for how hard it was, how hard it still is to let go of someone I held dear in my heart. A year later, and my faith in the Lord and the bigger plan continues to be challenged - what I deeply desire in my next relationship is peace and assurance from God. More than anything, I want to internally feel peace, and so this is what I boldly pray for: for no hesitation, for a settled sense of assurance that I'm right where I need to be, for affirmation regarding the relationship that supersedes my understanding. And even though I don't fully understand a year post breakup why I had to let Stephen go, I know that I was obedient to the Lord and that in my surrender, fruit will be born.
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