A few weeks ago, I had spiritual direction and as Van and I settled into the time, we did our routine check-in and momentarily paused to sit still before the Lord. I took the moment to  be still and ask the Lord what he wanted to say and/or show me about this season and an image flashed in my mind's eye of a sizable rock in the middle of a powerful river. The water was quite forceful and moved powerfully around the rock. In that moment, the Lord proceeded to speak to me: "Grace, you are the rock and you feel the pressures of the water swirling around you and rushing past you. Hold steady, and allow the water to smooth out the rough edges." 

This season feels hard because it is dissimilar to what others are experiencing. When I look around me, I see friends who are happily dating / engaged, I see friends who are pregnant or who have just given birth (not to mention my sister who recently had her own child earlier this Spring), I see friends who are occupied with school and other friend groups. Indeed, the seasons that we go through and that we observe others experience are a part and parcel of life. And yet, the tender and raw chord that reverberates throughout me is that I have been forgotten and that I am unworthy. That ultimately, those around me don't care for me. The tension of this season is that I have found myself in the thick of the swirling waters and the request from the Lord is that I stay in this space and try not to extricate myself out of the transformative furnace.  What I am addressing again and again in this season is the question of identity - what does it look like to exist as a daughter of God regardless of relationship status and regardless of who i am to others?  What does it look like to stand firmly in the midst of changing relationships/friendships and recognize my inherent worth as someone beloved by the Lord? What does it look like to loosen my expectations of the people around me, and simply see each person and friendship as an unexpected gift from the Lord? I will not move from this place until I am changed from the inside out. And even if there are moments that feel lonely, painful, and raw, I will remain until the Lord says it is time to move. 

In the midst of a season that feels painful and raw, I see the Lord's hand taking care of me. I'm thankful for my small group, for girlfriends who I can touch base with consistently, for my sister and the encouragement she gave me recently, for my dear roommates who make me laugh and bring levity to life, for the opportunity to get to know my upstairs neighbor Dania better, for volunteer opportunities and continually stepping outside of my world to serve others, for God's continual nearness and his gentle hand protecting and guiding me.