will I ever understand the depth and width of your love for me?

surely if i knew, i wouldn't slumber in this way.

I fear myself and what i'm capable of. I fear the free will that you've given me.

yes, Lord, there are countless moments when i don't choose you. the consequences of my decisions scare me .

abba, break this fear and mold me into someone who is faithful with the little things. consistency. faithfulness. oh, lord, that my love for you would increase and become manifest so clearly.

Psalm 137

By the waters of Babylon,

there we sat down and wept,

when we remembered Zion.

On the willows there

we hung up our lyres.

For there our captors

required of us songs,

and our tormentors, mirth, saying

"Sing us one of the songs of Zion!"

How shall we sing the Lord's song

in a foreign land?

If I forget you, O Jerusalem,

let my right hand forget its skill!

let my tongue stick to the roof of my mouth,

if I do not remember you,

if I do not set Jerusalem

above my highest joy!

Remember, O Lord, against the Edomites

the day of Jerusalem,

how they said, "Lay it bare, lay it bare,

down to its foundations!"

O daughter of Babylon, doomed to be destroyed,

blessed will he be who repays you

with what you have done to us!

Blessed shall he be who takes your little ones

and dashes them against the rock!

To you

i'm sorry. all i know is that love isn't this. and even though i've never loved someone in the earthly sense, i want to look you in the eye and tell you that there's so much more. that God's love is so real and so pure and so beautiful. uni, i'm so sorry. once, a friend of mine asked me why i was so different from you. his question caught me painfully off-guard. i felt like a deer in the headlights because at that moment i truly didn't understand and it broke my heart. why am i here and why are you there? surely god's grace is sufficient for you as well, and yet we've clearly experienced different things - your experiences more heartbreaking than mine. i'm not sure if i understand completely what it is i'm writing, but given the circumstances i think i'm where i'm at right now so that i can pray for you. come to think of it, i am here to tell you that there is a love that this world cannot give you. Your Savior desires to have a love relationship with you. it's not something traipsing around pretending to offer you minimal contentment and a self-esteem boost. no.

His love will set you free, and you'll see him in a way that you've never seen him before.

we awoke at the same time. it was early morning, and there was a stillness in the air. home. with all its past tremors reverberating around me. i'm back from my first semester of college and i've been crawling into my mom's bed every night to sleep by her side.

i love talking to her, here in the rawness of the dawn. mom, God showed me deeper intimacy. he showed me more, and i know that i can't simply brush that aside. how can i turn away from him? i can't. i won't. mom, look at these tears that are falling silently from my eyes. he is so good.

home. i am haunted by the past here. i can't breathe. abba, satan deceives me. he whispers lies into my ear, saying things like, "you haven't changed at all. see here, you've been away but things haven't changed here."

no. i say no. it will not be so.

if someone were to come up to me and ask me to sum up the purpose of my existence in a single sentence, i would say that i was created so that i could worship God.

oh, so this is it. this is what i was created to do. yes, i would like to do this for all of eternity. and it's when i'm standing there worshipping Him that i get glimpses of the consummation of my being.

I woke up around 5 in the morning today and couldn’t stop crying and trembling. I had dreamt that I was with my dad. in my dream, i had been repeating over and over that he had broken my heart and that I couldn’t possibly forgive him.

in reality, my heart isn’t broken over my dad. it’s broken over my sister. i want to tell her how beautiful she is, how worthy she is to be healed. that the way God looks at her isn’t at all how she looks at herself. she is precious. you are precious. He will restore you. and you will proclaim his goodness and be a witness of his faithfulness.

Hey grace,

"Come with me by yourself to a quiet place and get some rest" (mark 6:31).

do you realize how deep my love is for you? i told you that i would sweep you off your feet, that i would show you more of my mysteries.

do you know that there's more? there's so much more.

and i will overwhelm you. grace, i give to you. grace - not as the world gives but as I give.

you are a jewel - of unsurpassable worth. those that are hidden are more rare.

"Turn your eyes away from me, for they have overwhelmed me" (song of songs 6:5).

i will continue to guard you, i will continue to keep you for myself.

just got word that i've been selected to be in Youth Hostel Ministry. the orientation is this wednesday and i'll find out specifically where in Europe i'll be going and who else will be on my team. more specifics later!

“Then the kingdom of heaven will be like ten virgins who took their lamps and went to meet the bridegroom. Five of them were foolish, and five were wise. For when the foolish took their lamps, they took no oil with them, but the wise took flasks of oil with their lamps. As the bridegroom was delayed, they all became drowsy and slept. But at midnight there was a cry, ‘Here is the bridegroom! Come out to meet him.’ Then all those virgins rose and trimmed their lamps. And the foolish said to the wise, ‘Give us some of your oil, for our lamps are going out.’ But the wise answered, saying, ‘Since there will not be enough for us and for you, go rather to the dealers and buy for yourselves.’And while they were going to buy, the bridegroom came, and those who were ready went in with him to the marriage feast, and the door was shut. Afterward the other virgins came also, saying, ‘Lord, lord, open to us.’ But he answered, ‘Truly, I say to you, I do not know you.’- matthew 25

This is what God desires. He wants an intimate relationship with you. An intimacy that you can't find in anyone else. Intimacy. I want intimacy with You, Lord. I don't want to be dead on the inside. For the foolish, so busy shining their lamps, forgot to get the oil. Awake my heart, i don't want to slumber.

Behold the bridegroom, go out to meet Him. I counsel you, go buy oil, I cannot give it to you.

i dreamt dreams last night. YHWH, i am hungry for more of you.

Or which one of you, if his son asks him for cbread, will give him a stone? Or if he asks for a fish, will give him a serpent? If you then, who are evil, know how to give good gifts to your children, how much more will your Father who is in heaven give good things to those who ask him! -matthew 7:9-11

God's grace and mercy is a whirlwind that captivates me and draws me to Him.