sometimes i wish i could strip away layer after layer of myself and have people see just how selfish i am and just how weak i am. i hate that i come across as put together, and i hate that people see that in me. i wish i could show people just how much i'm struggling right now.

i went to see my chem professor, & as i started to ask her some questions about the homework, she stopped me and said, "Grace, I was going through and grading the tests from last week, and you actually got the highest test score in the class." God, it's all you, and i praise you. somehow, you're pulling me through biology and chemistry. you are so good to me.

i pray that instead of just a passion for a single subject, that you would grow in me a passion for your heart. these classes are just tools that will equip me to further your kingdom. Father, i want to understand more of your heart. this summer, you showed me in equal amounts my brokenness and your grace and glory. you showed me your heart for people who don't know you. yes, this made a mark on my heart, and i'm pretty sure the trajectory of my goals and dreams are headed in directions that i can't fathom just yet. i don't know where you plan on taking me, but i am willing, Father. i can't know your heart and not do anything in response to it. 

i repent for not loving you enough. i'm sorry because i turn my back on your love and give in to my fears and anxieties instead. these days, my brokenness overwhelms me. when did it become so crippling? turn me to what you did on the cross. i'm reminded that you healed me at the cross, not just this past summer in amsterdam. lord, i'm so sorry that i'm a crummy lover. i don't know how to love you, i don't know how to love others, i don't know how to love myself. i pray that you would show me more and more of your love.

there's nothing left to stand on but your love.

the (most) heartbreaking thing about relationships is that people's feelings change towards you. i long for heaven because then i'll be able to see someone fully in the way that God has created him. not only will we encounter God, but we'll encounter one another in a way we've never been able to here in this world.

you desire heart worship, and in this season of seeking and searching and heartache, i will offer up heart worship. surely you were familiar with deeper sorrows.

these days i can't help asking myself how people who don't know God can possibly get through a single day. the older i get, the more i realize how i desperately need God. Jesus, i need you in all my joys and in all my sorrows.

whenever it rains, my mind automatically goes to amsterdam.
i used to wake up early to work morning cafe at the hostel. a lot of times, i biked in the pouring rain & arrived at the hostel wet & ready to make a gazillion pancakes or eggs or french toast (whatever we were serving that day) for the travelers.

i wonder if i'll ever find myself at shelter jordan again? it would be a different set of people, but i think i would go back. i wonder if you'll ever take me back there.

in my brokenness, may your grace abound more and more to me.

kailey: grace, it's like you're in His net.
me: what do you mean?
kailey: you're under the waves, but you're secure from going down into the depths.

Oct. 5 -
I've been semi-despondent lately. The more time passes, the more I feel like I left a part of myself in Amsterdam. It's not even that place, but the people as well as the God i met in that place. The more time passes by, the more I ask God why I deserved all that He did this past summer. I didn't deserve any of it, and yet He blessed me far beyond my comprehension. Honestly, I've felt heartsick and I see how I've grown more distant from people. I don't want to open up... I'm afraid of being vulnerable and then having the chance of encountering someone slip past me. This summer changed me in ways that have carried over to this very instant. No, I don't function the same way that I used to. Right now, I'm stuck in the middle of two mentalities. One mentality that I've been experiencing is the feeling that I left my heart in Amsterdam. The other mentality is new and was spoken to me by a friend last night. I never left my heart behind. Instead, all of my experiences, all the people I met, and the same God is there in my heart right now. Maybe my heart hurts because God stretched it and grew it in ways I didn't think possible. Maybe he allowed me to experience Him over there so I might better understand Him over here.

Oct. 13 -
5 months since i've last heard from you.
God, my heart hurts for her. my heart hurts because I don't love you enough. my heart hurts because these broken relationships are overwhelming. my heart hurts because i'm fighting myself. i feel heartsick.